I'd rather stay on the surface

So, I have been confronted about blogging on the surface!  UGH! 

So here goes.....

 

I feel like I don't have anything good to say.  And by good I mean both positive and helpful.

 

I am a comparer...you know, the kind of person who secretly compares EVERY aspect of life (shoes, kids, voices, amount of take home pay, what you do to get ready in the morning, when do you shower, do you prefer Letterman or Leno, dark wood or light, and on and on).  I am not really into it to "win" but I struggle with caring about "where I stand" after I have categorized all these comparisons.

 

I want to be good at everything I do, but rarely feel like I am doing so.

 

I am high maintenance when it comes to relationships but I will fight to the end to keep one alive, even when it is unhealthy.

 

Obviously, these are but a few of my many quirks, idiosyncrasies, or whatever you want to call them.  I have recognized these things about me but what now? 

 

Well, first, I have come to grips that those things I listed are all parts of me.  I go no further than that right now.  They are just there.  And God made me.  Granted, I am also shaped by this fallen world I live in, but God knew I would be this way today and He still chose me, loves me, and wants to be with me and use me!  If I can not get pasted that one statement right there, then I need go no further.  And that statement can take my whole life to work on really believing!

 

Then, I pray and seek the Lord to see if those things are of Him or not.  And, as He reveals things that need to fall away, (or change) because they are not a part of the new me (you know, the one that Jesus made me to be now that I have surrendered to him), I ask Him to help show me how He sees me so that I can be changed by Him to be that way.   

 

For instance, I have always thought the "not having anything nice to say" quirk was a bad thing all the time.  But, when clothed in the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it can also be a discerning voice used to guide and direct me.

 

I do want to remind anyone reading this that the first step after recognition is to realize that God loves you right where you are.  And he uses you right there as well.  And the more you focus on knowing, trusting, and loving Him, the more you will be transformed into exactly who you already are ;-)

 

 

Motherhood struggles....

I briefly looked at a thing on Facebook today that talked about how when we as parents post stuff about something our kids said or did, we mock them and really tear them apart emotionally. 

I have been thinking about this all day.  I mean, do we really do that?  Since when did stating something that is truly funny become not okay?

It makes me think of something I have been talking to the kids about a lot lately: when you do something (i.e. trip and fall on your face; assuming you are okay) that people laugh at, they are laughing at the thing you did because it is funny!  They are most likely not laughing at you.  And even if they are laughing at you, you have a choice to accept the shame that wants to come in, or reject it and move on.  Let's face it, if you have ever laughed your butt off while watching America's Funniest Home Videos or laughed hysterically at a funny slapstick comedy show, then you need to explain this concept to your kids as well.  It isn't fair to say we can laugh at some things like that and then not be able to laugh at ourselves when we do something equally funny.  Even if it does just our pride a little.   :-)

Getting over my insecurities.......hopefully

I have started posting a lot of "Mom of the Year" award nominations on Facebook lately. 
These are little tidbits about my life as a mother (or moreover, my children's lives as my children) and how awesome it is to be a kid in my house (not).  If you can't tell by my tone (oh wait, this is being typed) that I am being sarcastic, then here is a spoiler alert:  I am pretty sure I won't be winning any award this year for my outstanding ability to parent children who are "little angels" by the Leave It To Beaver standards. 

Why do we do the thing we don't want to do?

Why do I not call my family when I really want to call my family?
Why don't I send the cards telling people I love them when I really do love them and think of them?
Why do I zone out to mindless things such as Facebook when I have an amazing family to spend time with?
Why don't I have the important conversations with the people who mean the most in my life so that we can have the best relationship possible?
Why don't I eat the way I know I am supposed to?
Why do I eat more than I am supposed to?
Why wouldn't I love someone the exact way I know they like to be loved?

It is because of all these questions and more that I can relate to well to Paul when he wrote Romans 7.  He even goes so far as to say he hates what he does.  I sometimes do too...

But if we keep reading on in that section, we find the answer.  Paul basically sums it up to sin being the answer as to why we are that way.  Then, he tells us there is an awesome solution to sin...Jesus!  As long as we continually seek Him, we can find rest from continually "doing the thing we do not wish to do."

Seek Him.  And you will surely find Him.  Then, you can be free to do what is good and acceptable, and pure, and lovely....

Forgiveness

Some people say that it is not Biblical to forgive yourself.  I am not here to argue that point.  What I have noticed though is that so many of us walk around still holding on to our sin.  We aren't still sinning, but we are carrying our sin as if we still need it to remind ourselves of how bad we are and use it as a reminder of the punishment we offer ourselves over it.
THAT is what is not Biblical.  Whether we look closely enough to call it forgiveness or not, we need to recognize that when we beat ourselves up over a mistake we have made (sin), and we refuse to let it go until we have been "sufficiently" punished, we are not allowing something to happen.
Grace wants to come in.  Jesus wants what he did on the cross to be enough.  And when we don't give up our mistakes, we are not letting grace and what Jesus did to be enough for us in that moment.
So, let's make a commitment today to start letting all the horrific things Jesus went through to not be gone through in vain.  Let that stripe on his back be enough for your mistake today.  Let grace wash over you and pour down your life like the blood poured down His.

Hard Work

I am beginning to wonder if I am odd....well, I know I am odd but I am wondering if this particular aspect of myself is odd.

I am noticing that to have a good relationship with someone, it takes a LOT of work!  I have always said that being a spouse is one of the hardest jobs to do well.  I have also said that being a parent takes a lot more work and communication than I thought it would before I had kids.  But now, I am noticing that to have real, genuine, lasting friendships (not the kind that are based on a mutual hobby like football but the kind that bridge age, hobbies, and time-zones), you have to work really hard and communicate a LOT!

We are a diverse people who are not easily understood by ourselves, let alone others.  That is yet another reason it is just as important to try and understand where you are coming from.  You need to know your particular "quirks" and insecurities because they will help you when you relate to people.  Let's face it, we all have certain filters we process through whether it is a past hurt, or a worldview.  And it is those filters that cause us to relate and /or react in the ways we do.

So, why do I say all this?  Because, going forward, I want to have the best relationships I can with the people who will let me.

Visionary

I am discovering I am way more of a visionary than I ever thought I was before.  Along with that, I am discovering I am way less of a "carry outer" than I ever thought I was.
Instead of beating myself up for these things, I am choosing to pray for more perseverance to carry out vision and also the "carry outers" to surround me and take my vision and run with it!