Worn

Sometimes a song just says it all.  This is what I want to say today:

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

But Jesus.....

Another Motherhood "win"

I have had two deaths in my life this year.  Death is never easy.  It brings with it sadness, loss, grief, questions, accusations, insecurity, and a lot of other sometimes unexplained emotions as well as reactions.

I have been trying to "deal" with these two deaths the best that I know how.  I have been trying to take time to figure out where I am with it.  I have been assessing my reactions to other life events in lieu of the grief I am experiencing.  I have definitely been charged to give myself a LOT more grace than I ever have before (this one is hard for me.)  You know, you need grace in your life.  Not just to give others, but to allow for yourself as well.  We don't always act like we think we should, and if you are like me, you will find yourself judging you a LOT harder than you judge anyone else.  So, when you are grieving and you don't react "normally" to a lot of normal things that happen, grace has to be there.  If the grace is not given its opportunity to come, then you will go into shutdown mode, or breakdown.
i.e. My 8 month old Great Dane took a peanut butter sandwich right out of my 2 year old's hands the other day.  Normally, I would have scolded the Great Dane, put her outside and consoled my 2 year old while telling him to eat at the table so she didn't get his sandwich.  Instead, I immediately started crying.  I chased the Dane around the kitchen island while leaving the 2 year old crying in the corner!  I then chased the Dane into her crate, kicked the side of the crate wall, yelled at the Dane, and slammed the door on her so she would not be able to be near me for a while (this might have been the best decision of that moment).  I then scolded the 2 year old for "letting" the Dane eat his sandwich and stomped over the pantry to make him another (all the while leaving him to cry and run after me). 
Now, it makes my heart ache just re-living that story with you.  I don't normally act this way.  Why did I then?  One simple answer that is filled with so many deep side trails that I can't even explain them to you- GRIEF. 
I did sit down with the 2 year old to say I was sorry for the way I acted.  I hugged his neck and sent him to play with his siblings.  I then felt condemned.  But, I know that condemnation is not from the Lord.  And I am being transformed into His likeness.  So, if I shouldn't be condemned.  And I don't normally act this way, why did it happen this time?  Well, many rabbit trails later, I realized that the whole night, in the back of my mind, I was just needing to process a memory that had surfaced and I never took the time to do it.  So, when this arose, the emotions associated with the memory dictated my reaction.  Was it right?  No.  But those emotions where true and needed to come out.  Should they have come out on my dog and 2 year old?  No.  But they should have come out.  It wasn't the dog's fault or my son's fault that I reacted that way, but I would continue to react that way every time as long as I held my grief in.
I say all this to say that you need to let yourself have the proper time it takes to work though stuff.  And when something happens and you react in a way you know is not your normal self, take the time to think it through.  And let grace in so you can deal with what is already there waiting to come out.

When Jesus calls

I didn't think it would be like this.

I thought that I was ready.  I know God asked me to do this.  I know it was hard before but at least then, I had a safety net.  I thought that things would be better.  Easier even.  I was wrong.

God asked me to do something that I am sure of.  I have taken the first step.  I am walking in obedience to Him.  So, why is this hitting me so hard?  I know that it is right.  I have support from those around me.  But it sucks.  I feel horrible.  Why? 

I am crying.  I feel a death happening inside me.  And I know it is right.  I know He is here. 

So, I go where He has called me.  I turn aside my pride.  I remind myself that my identity is in Him.  I am a daughter of the Most High.  I am me.  And what He might really be asking me to "do" right now is believe that right there. 
No other label attached.
 Just me and Him.

Walking on the water

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

I know He has called me.  He has called me to come to Him.  I want it SO bad.  I need Him.  I want Him.  I know he will be waiting for me when I get there.  But in order to touch Him, I have to step out of the boat.  There is wind out there.  The waves are over my head sometimes but I can see Him beckoning me to come....

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Mind racing, heart pounding, palms sweating, and knees shaking, I convince myself the benefits outweigh the cost.  Mind made up.  Face set like stone.  I know where I am going.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Brave.  Eyes peering over the edge.....I see the depths of the unknown and instead of uncertainty, I feel brave.  One step over the edge I go!  I am walking on water

I see His face!

And then, suddenly, I remember the enormity of what He has called me to do.  Knees shaking, heart pounding, my breath gone.

Fear

Where is He- I am looking down?

Sinking.

 But not drowning.  I am reminded- all I need is Him.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Thank you Jesus

Forgiveness

Some people say that it is not Biblical to forgive yourself.  I am not here to argue that point.  What I have noticed though is that so many of us walk around still holding on to our sin.  We aren't still sinning, but we are carrying our sin as if we still need it to remind ourselves of how bad we are and use it as a reminder of the punishment we offer ourselves over it.
THAT is what is not Biblical.  Whether we look closely enough to call it forgiveness or not, we need to recognize that when we beat ourselves up over a mistake we have made (sin), and we refuse to let it go until we have been "sufficiently" punished, we are not allowing something to happen.
Grace wants to come in.  Jesus wants what he did on the cross to be enough.  And when we don't give up our mistakes, we are not letting grace and what Jesus did to be enough for us in that moment.
So, let's make a commitment today to start letting all the horrific things Jesus went through to not be gone through in vain.  Let that stripe on his back be enough for your mistake today.  Let grace wash over you and pour down your life like the blood poured down His.

Support

Ugh....

I sometimes hate that I need people!  Isn't that horrible?! That means I am egotistical and self-centered, but that is the truth.  I am in a season of life where I am realizing and being challenged to let people around me know just how much I need them. 

P.S.  I need Jesus too ;)

Ideally

Shew!

I am thinking that I am done being transparent.  I had a friend ask me last night if I had stopped long enough to really process all that I have been going through....
My response?  I wish I could get away from it!  I wish I could be busy enough that it didn't impact me in this way!  I wish I could stop learning so much about myself (things that are good, things that need to change, and things that just are).  But wait...

Do I really wish all those things?  Do I really wish that I wasn't continually being sanctified by His grace?  Do I really wish that just because it is hard and painful, I didn't continually hear the voice of my Father beckoning me to receive the gift of becoming more like His Son?  Do I really think that there is anywhere in this world that I could "stay" that would erase the memory of my life and if so, would I want that?  Do I really think that I would be okay being anyone other than who I am?

No.

That is why sanctification is so important.  That is why you might have heard it said that Jesus loves you just the way you are- and that is true.  But he refuses to let you stay that way- which is true.

So, change me, Lord!  Make me into the woman I have always been but been unaware of so that I may glorify Your name!

And that is why, I am continuing to discover.  That is why sanctification is so important. 

Whelmed

I admit it.  I watched (and loved) the movie, Clueless in high school!  There is this part in the movie where Cher and her friend are walking to school and she says, "I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"  To which here friend replies, "I don't know, that is deep..."
Ha ha ha, right?  I thought is was funny then (and I do thinking about it now) but I found myself thinking about that last night...
I was cooking dinner by myself with four small children.  My almost two year old was closest to me, about two feet away playing in the sink (hey, that keeps him occupied longer than most anything).  I was attempting a new recipe that required a lot of patience (which I have little) and skill (which I have even less).  I was concentrating really hard.  I knew my little bit had water running, but wasn't really paying much attention...until the sound changed....but I was at an intense part in the recipe so a couple minutes went by....
Then I looked over (two feet over, mind you) to see water running out of the full sink, over the counter, down the side of the cabinet in-between the stove, and leaving a four foot diameter lake on the floor...
I yelled for someone to get a towel but because of their select hearing, no one answered...
I left my dinner, ran upstairs to get two of the biggest beach towels to sop the water up...
I came back down, saw that I had forgotten to turn the water off (so did that), cleaned up the water (which took more than the two towels), then threw my now smoking pan of dinner off the hot burner...
I noticed it was not too bad, so I put it back on and poured the chicken stock into the scalding pan= steam burn on both my hands!!!!
I then heard water again and looked over to see that my little bit had pushed a chair back to the sink and was running more (hot) water and sitting inside the sink!  I cursed to myself because of the pain of the burn and ran over to turn the water off and get little bit down.....
I was finishing the sauce for the homemade meatballs when my daughter came down and peered into the oven to ask, "mommy, are you making cookies!"...
Looked in to the oven with her to see my meatballs were now meat patty/pies!
Heard another water noise and turned around to see my little bit dumping the contents of the dogs' gallon water jug on the floor....
Finished dinner a little late (John walked in the door and only had 15 min by the time dinner was done)
And found myself thinking, "I am SO OVERWHELMEMD!!!  Can't I just be whelmed???"

So, have you felt the same way?