Worn

Sometimes a song just says it all.  This is what I want to say today:

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

But Jesus.....

Another Motherhood "win"

I have had two deaths in my life this year.  Death is never easy.  It brings with it sadness, loss, grief, questions, accusations, insecurity, and a lot of other sometimes unexplained emotions as well as reactions.

I have been trying to "deal" with these two deaths the best that I know how.  I have been trying to take time to figure out where I am with it.  I have been assessing my reactions to other life events in lieu of the grief I am experiencing.  I have definitely been charged to give myself a LOT more grace than I ever have before (this one is hard for me.)  You know, you need grace in your life.  Not just to give others, but to allow for yourself as well.  We don't always act like we think we should, and if you are like me, you will find yourself judging you a LOT harder than you judge anyone else.  So, when you are grieving and you don't react "normally" to a lot of normal things that happen, grace has to be there.  If the grace is not given its opportunity to come, then you will go into shutdown mode, or breakdown.
i.e. My 8 month old Great Dane took a peanut butter sandwich right out of my 2 year old's hands the other day.  Normally, I would have scolded the Great Dane, put her outside and consoled my 2 year old while telling him to eat at the table so she didn't get his sandwich.  Instead, I immediately started crying.  I chased the Dane around the kitchen island while leaving the 2 year old crying in the corner!  I then chased the Dane into her crate, kicked the side of the crate wall, yelled at the Dane, and slammed the door on her so she would not be able to be near me for a while (this might have been the best decision of that moment).  I then scolded the 2 year old for "letting" the Dane eat his sandwich and stomped over the pantry to make him another (all the while leaving him to cry and run after me). 
Now, it makes my heart ache just re-living that story with you.  I don't normally act this way.  Why did I then?  One simple answer that is filled with so many deep side trails that I can't even explain them to you- GRIEF. 
I did sit down with the 2 year old to say I was sorry for the way I acted.  I hugged his neck and sent him to play with his siblings.  I then felt condemned.  But, I know that condemnation is not from the Lord.  And I am being transformed into His likeness.  So, if I shouldn't be condemned.  And I don't normally act this way, why did it happen this time?  Well, many rabbit trails later, I realized that the whole night, in the back of my mind, I was just needing to process a memory that had surfaced and I never took the time to do it.  So, when this arose, the emotions associated with the memory dictated my reaction.  Was it right?  No.  But those emotions where true and needed to come out.  Should they have come out on my dog and 2 year old?  No.  But they should have come out.  It wasn't the dog's fault or my son's fault that I reacted that way, but I would continue to react that way every time as long as I held my grief in.
I say all this to say that you need to let yourself have the proper time it takes to work though stuff.  And when something happens and you react in a way you know is not your normal self, take the time to think it through.  And let grace in so you can deal with what is already there waiting to come out.

The Process

We are doing another project on our house.  I LOVE getting into a project!

I love to idealize what would work best with the theme of what we have to accomplish.  I LOVE to pick out the materials to do what we need to do.  I love to find the most economical way of doing the project.  And, I LOVE seeing the end result of all our hard work!

What I don't love is the process.  You know, the actual getting down to the nitty-gritty of doing the work once you have all the materials.  I don't like it because it takes too long.  I don't like it because it never goes exactly like I thought it would.  I don't like it because while it is being done, my surroundings are all awry.  I don't like it because it is dirty, smells and is generally a pain in my behind.

As I was thinking about that and pinning in my self pity of the situation, it struck me that the way I feel about most projects we do physically to our house, is the way I feel about  my life.  I LOVE the vision of things.  I LOVE seeing the end result.  I LOVE the before and after (and comparing the two).  But I strongly dislike the process.

Maybe this is "just the way I am."  Maybe this is one of the ways God is shaping me to be more like Jesus.  I am not sure.  But I recognize it now and I am hoping some people out there who love and enjoy (or at the very least, embrace) the process can come alongside me and help a girl out.

:)

When Jesus calls

I didn't think it would be like this.

I thought that I was ready.  I know God asked me to do this.  I know it was hard before but at least then, I had a safety net.  I thought that things would be better.  Easier even.  I was wrong.

God asked me to do something that I am sure of.  I have taken the first step.  I am walking in obedience to Him.  So, why is this hitting me so hard?  I know that it is right.  I have support from those around me.  But it sucks.  I feel horrible.  Why? 

I am crying.  I feel a death happening inside me.  And I know it is right.  I know He is here. 

So, I go where He has called me.  I turn aside my pride.  I remind myself that my identity is in Him.  I am a daughter of the Most High.  I am me.  And what He might really be asking me to "do" right now is believe that right there. 
No other label attached.
 Just me and Him.

Walking on the water

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

I know He has called me.  He has called me to come to Him.  I want it SO bad.  I need Him.  I want Him.  I know he will be waiting for me when I get there.  But in order to touch Him, I have to step out of the boat.  There is wind out there.  The waves are over my head sometimes but I can see Him beckoning me to come....

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Mind racing, heart pounding, palms sweating, and knees shaking, I convince myself the benefits outweigh the cost.  Mind made up.  Face set like stone.  I know where I am going.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Brave.  Eyes peering over the edge.....I see the depths of the unknown and instead of uncertainty, I feel brave.  One step over the edge I go!  I am walking on water

I see His face!

And then, suddenly, I remember the enormity of what He has called me to do.  Knees shaking, heart pounding, my breath gone.

Fear

Where is He- I am looking down?

Sinking.

 But not drowning.  I am reminded- all I need is Him.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Thank you Jesus

Identity

I sat down for a "Bible study" this evening with a friend.

She had a hard day and I had had....well one of "those" kind of weeks.

We were scheduled to talk about the book of Revelation of Jesus Christ tonight but judging her body language along with my sense of relaxation, I took a minute to just be quite.

We exchanged pleasantries and she asked me what was going on.  I started to generalize about four major events that were happening in my life at that point.  She caught me right away (she is good at that).  She pressed on one particular- my career path.  I have been a stay at home mom for almost eleven years and in the last six months, I got a new job.  We have been talking about whether or not I was going to stay where I am at, or whether I was going to pursue other options that might fit me better.  I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and that made it hard to know what to pursue.  She kept pushing.  I told her that I needed the job to make enough money to provide for my family and she kept pushing.  I told her I liked people and she said I should be a nurse.  NO.  I told her I wanted to help people and she said I should work in the Welfare office.   I was getting angry at this point.  Why was she pushing so hard?  Why didn't I know what I wanted to do?  Why was I angry?

She kept on going though despite me telling her I wanted to punch her.  She wrote down some names of people I could contact for more info. on some things I might be interested in.  I didn't want to call them.  We went back and forth like this for some time.  I finally started to cry....

What was happening?  Where did this come from?  Why was this coming?  I told her I didn't want to call one person and she said she thought I wouldn't which just made me even angrier!  I said we needed to stop and the tears couldn't be contained at that point.  She asked what was going on and I spilled out a myriad of things (most of which dealt with all the "happenings" of the week). 

Why do I tell you all this?  Because, at the end of my "rant" about why I was so emotional with her, the answer to everything came out.  Huh.  I felt better (a little).  I was so tore up about everything because I am out of control.  (that one hurts to say still)

All these things in my life right now are just little reminders that I am not ultimately in control of my life (and I don't need to be)!  I told her that.  (shew!)  And my physical reaction to all of this was to sob like a little girl.  She held my hand.  Then, she put the paper she had been logging my answers on away. 

We talked for a little while longer and another answer came to the surface.  All of the things I have been dealing with lately also have to do with my identity.  Now, I know that in order to be a "good Christian" you have to have your identity in one place:  Christ.  And I like to think my identity is in Him.  But in Him alone?  I would love to say yes, but tonight proved otherwise. 

So, in all this be encouraged.  Christ is still the answer.  He is the one who tells me who I am.  I just need to knock my flesh out of the way sometimes and that can cause "adverse reactions."  Because there is no formula for all of this. 

Motherhood struggles part 200 ;-)

So, I posted a video on Facebook the other day of my youngest son playing in the kitchen sink while the water was running....

What I didn't post was that he had also pulled all the knives from my knife block down into the sink with him! 

Why do I say this now?

I was thinking the other day, and telling a friend "the rest of the story" because I had already gotten some flack for leaving him "alone" long enough to do what the video showed. 

I was telling people so that other moms could be free to realize they are not alone in their parenting mishaps and all the while, I was completely not telling the whole story because I suffer from feeling like that same parenting failure that I am trying to free other moms from!  Whoa!  Does that even make sense?!  I am not sure but what I am sure of it this:

As a mom, there have been many times when I have either done something (or not done something for that matter) simply because I was influenced by outside forces and not because I was just being me- the best mom I could be. 

And guess what?  Me- the best mom I could be messes up!  I am selfish, self-centered, and don't have all the answers.  But you know what else?  I am doing the best I can and in the end, I will have grown children with life experiences and love and grace will cover the rest!

So, I encourage you today, be the best mom (or person) you can be!  Be free from what you think are the demands of people; follow Him and be you!  And I will too :)

Living like He is alive

Are you relating to Jesus like he is alive or like he is an awesome character in a History book?

I'd rather stay on the surface

So, I have been confronted about blogging on the surface!  UGH! 

So here goes.....

 

I feel like I don't have anything good to say.  And by good I mean both positive and helpful.

 

I am a comparer...you know, the kind of person who secretly compares EVERY aspect of life (shoes, kids, voices, amount of take home pay, what you do to get ready in the morning, when do you shower, do you prefer Letterman or Leno, dark wood or light, and on and on).  I am not really into it to "win" but I struggle with caring about "where I stand" after I have categorized all these comparisons.

 

I want to be good at everything I do, but rarely feel like I am doing so.

 

I am high maintenance when it comes to relationships but I will fight to the end to keep one alive, even when it is unhealthy.

 

Obviously, these are but a few of my many quirks, idiosyncrasies, or whatever you want to call them.  I have recognized these things about me but what now? 

 

Well, first, I have come to grips that those things I listed are all parts of me.  I go no further than that right now.  They are just there.  And God made me.  Granted, I am also shaped by this fallen world I live in, but God knew I would be this way today and He still chose me, loves me, and wants to be with me and use me!  If I can not get pasted that one statement right there, then I need go no further.  And that statement can take my whole life to work on really believing!

 

Then, I pray and seek the Lord to see if those things are of Him or not.  And, as He reveals things that need to fall away, (or change) because they are not a part of the new me (you know, the one that Jesus made me to be now that I have surrendered to him), I ask Him to help show me how He sees me so that I can be changed by Him to be that way.   

 

For instance, I have always thought the "not having anything nice to say" quirk was a bad thing all the time.  But, when clothed in the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it can also be a discerning voice used to guide and direct me.

 

I do want to remind anyone reading this that the first step after recognition is to realize that God loves you right where you are.  And he uses you right there as well.  And the more you focus on knowing, trusting, and loving Him, the more you will be transformed into exactly who you already are ;-)

 

 

Forgiveness

Some people say that it is not Biblical to forgive yourself.  I am not here to argue that point.  What I have noticed though is that so many of us walk around still holding on to our sin.  We aren't still sinning, but we are carrying our sin as if we still need it to remind ourselves of how bad we are and use it as a reminder of the punishment we offer ourselves over it.
THAT is what is not Biblical.  Whether we look closely enough to call it forgiveness or not, we need to recognize that when we beat ourselves up over a mistake we have made (sin), and we refuse to let it go until we have been "sufficiently" punished, we are not allowing something to happen.
Grace wants to come in.  Jesus wants what he did on the cross to be enough.  And when we don't give up our mistakes, we are not letting grace and what Jesus did to be enough for us in that moment.
So, let's make a commitment today to start letting all the horrific things Jesus went through to not be gone through in vain.  Let that stripe on his back be enough for your mistake today.  Let grace wash over you and pour down your life like the blood poured down His.

Hard Work

I am beginning to wonder if I am odd....well, I know I am odd but I am wondering if this particular aspect of myself is odd.

I am noticing that to have a good relationship with someone, it takes a LOT of work!  I have always said that being a spouse is one of the hardest jobs to do well.  I have also said that being a parent takes a lot more work and communication than I thought it would before I had kids.  But now, I am noticing that to have real, genuine, lasting friendships (not the kind that are based on a mutual hobby like football but the kind that bridge age, hobbies, and time-zones), you have to work really hard and communicate a LOT!

We are a diverse people who are not easily understood by ourselves, let alone others.  That is yet another reason it is just as important to try and understand where you are coming from.  You need to know your particular "quirks" and insecurities because they will help you when you relate to people.  Let's face it, we all have certain filters we process through whether it is a past hurt, or a worldview.  And it is those filters that cause us to relate and /or react in the ways we do.

So, why do I say all this?  Because, going forward, I want to have the best relationships I can with the people who will let me.

Visionary

I am discovering I am way more of a visionary than I ever thought I was before.  Along with that, I am discovering I am way less of a "carry outer" than I ever thought I was.
Instead of beating myself up for these things, I am choosing to pray for more perseverance to carry out vision and also the "carry outers" to surround me and take my vision and run with it!

A New Depth of Grace

I am a Christian.  I have walked this truth out for almost 20 years of my life now, and subsequently, I have gotten pretty "good" at it.  Ugh.  That even pains me to say. 

It is at the realization of saying that when I start to unfold my truth for this week.  I am the ugliest person I know.  I don't mean the kind with disfigured features or uneven skin tone either.  I mean that on the inside of myself lies a depth of filth that is greater than even I want to explore...

I get "whiffs" of it sometimes though and that is when another "ugly" comes out to play...PRIDE.  Especially as a Christian, I know that I am supposed to be continually sanctified (becoming more like Jesus) and so, when that whiff of ugly (in the form of a thought or thought combined with emotion) that is not at all like Jesus comes out, my pride kicks in and either justifies it with the best Christian-ese I can conjure, or stuffs it away as if it never even happened in the first place.  More than likely, the second...

And this is where I have been. 

There is more to this story though.  You see, Jesus never asked me to be clean.  He just asked me to come and believe that he is clean.  He never asked me to only have pure thoughts.  he just asked me to come and believe that his thoughts are pure.  he never asked me to always do the right thing.  He only asked me to come and believe that he did the right thing.  And when I try and take over those actions, I am really saying I don't need Him. 

So, I am coming today, bearing my ugly heart.  It is filled with spite, malice, jealousy, deceit, pride and intolerance.  But that is just the kind of heart He can do something with.  He says he will give me a new one anyway.  And when I awake tomorrow, filled with the dirt of the who I once was, His mercies are there just the same...

Don't try and be something for Him.  Just accept what He did for you!  And I will too~

Blogging

I have a friend who is on me to blog.  She asks all the time....but I don't have time.  She says to just write.  I say that even when I try and make time, it does not happen.  Like right now, I told my husband that I needed to just go up to the computer and get this out.  So, I went up, sat down, started typing, and low and behold, three out of my four kids are piled on top of me...GRRR.......

What am I supposed to do?  Is blogging that important?  Yes.  Why?  Because it makes me feel better.  Then why don't I do it more?  Because it is more frustrating to try and do it and be totally and completely interrupted than to just not do it....UGH!  So, why can't I just blog with three kids on top of me?  I can't even think!  One is playing with my hair, one is singing, "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" and one is throwing a ball against the wall right next to my head!  Try and concentrate and get a clear thought with that!

This is the reality of my life though.  I am not good at balancing it.  I quite frankly, suck at doing it gracefully anyway.  But two things remain in all of this. 

1. I may or may not be doing a "good" job but I am doing the best I can.

2. God's grace is bigger than my shortcomings...

And that, my friends, is all you need to know

No time

No.  I don't think you understand.  Life is coming at me so fast, I don't even have time to write this blog!  I am serious!  I have been interrupted by my children seven times since I have started this ten minutes ago!!!  And now, I don't even fully remember what it was I was trying to convey! (must have been important, huh?)

I like to think I try and balance my time well (spending enough time with my kids/work/myself) but it makes it hard when all those things seem to intermix and interrupt each other.  What do you do?

Drowning or Drowning out?

You should hear the level of noise resonating in my house right now.  I was trying to tell my husband something and I just stopped because it was easier to stop and  not say anything than to try and yell over the noise that surrounded us. 

Then I realized something.....I really feel like I am drowning sometimes....I used to live a comfortable life that I could handle, but now, now I am in over my head.  There are many times when I cringe at the thought of someone watching in on my life.
That leads me to start drowning out the noise...
I start not being present for my kids and hubby first.  I escape to Facebook.  I try and do anything to not have to face the people around me.  Ugh, I hate writing this....I will even do chores around the house that I wouldnt otherwise do just so I dont have to be with those I love...ouch.
So, when I feel like I am drowning...I start to drown out.
The Lord is showing me something about that though.  People say He will never give you more than you can handle but I disagree.   I think He will always give you more than you alone can handle so that you have to rely on Him!  And then, you are faced with the choice when you are drowning....are you going to drown out by leaving mentally and emotionally, or are you going to drown in Him and let Him take care of you?

Support

Ugh....

I sometimes hate that I need people!  Isn't that horrible?! That means I am egotistical and self-centered, but that is the truth.  I am in a season of life where I am realizing and being challenged to let people around me know just how much I need them. 

P.S.  I need Jesus too ;)

More on Grace

We were given a gift of grace that was SO extreme, I am at a loss for words...

I was thinking a lot about it and realized that all I can do is accept it and then worship the Giver.  I thanked the hands that delivered it as well (manners after all) but truly realizing that if it weren't for the Giver, this gift of grace would not have come...

I was throwing around ideas as to why I am so stumped by this gift and something hit me.,,

I think that I subconsciously assume I deserve most of the graces I have been given in my life.  Almost like I am entitled to them (i.e. I deserve answered prayer because I am a Christian after all).  But I KNOW I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this one.  And yet, He gave it to me anyway.  AND, He reminded me that it is not only this gift of grace that I don't deserve......He gives them to me undeservedly and only wants (not expects) me to thank and worship the Giver!

So, I am repenting tonight for being too justified in my reception of the grace that is continually being poured out to me and I am asking that I depend on, and accept Him more fully now than ever.  :)

Ways to relate

I have another question I have been "chewing on" for quite some time now.  Have you ever read the book Love Languages?  I forget who wrote it and to be honest, I never finished the whole thing.  The general premise is that we all operate "feeling" love by one of five "love languages."  And you probably show love the way you want to receive it.  SO, learn to love based on what the person whom you are loving best receives love and hopefully, they will do the same for you.

I have a new book that is similar to that.  It is about how we relate to (love) God.  It basically says there are something like nine ways we each relate to, or love God. and that is a little different for everybody.  So, find out which one or two are specific to you and then do it!  I think I will like this book because I have known for a long time that I relate to others best by spending quality time with them.  I LOVE to relate by chatting it up!  So then, why do I think I would relate to God the best by doing anything other than that!  I LOVE to be in His presence!  I love to worship and my prayer life is very conversational with Him.  Is that wrong?  Hmm........how do you relate to Him?  Do you feel free to discover that or are you stuck trying to do the "right" thing?

I'll let you know how this book goes.....

Be a good receiver

I have been thinking a lot about grace lately.  You might even say I am obsessed with it.  I wonder what is really is.  Is it really as feminine as we make it sound?  Is it weak?  Am I weak if I need it?  Am I selfish to want it?  I wonder if I really have it.  Do I extend it fairly?  Is grace fair?  Do I get it?  From whom do I get it?  Can I receive it?  Or, more importantly, will I receive it?

That last question is one that I am pondering today.

I am convinced that grace is always available from the Lord.  It is, after all, by grace we have been saved.  So, we have at least received it one time in our life.  But we need it continually.  The Bible is clear on that.  So, are we continually receiving it? 

I think this society teaches us from a young age to not be a receiver.  We are taught to not "need" things such as free gifts.  An example would be last year when we handed out hot chocolate at a Christmas parade (or at least we tried).  SO many people simply would not take it at first (or at all) because they were convinced there were "strings" attached.  (Do you attach strings to the grace God wants to extend through you?  Is grace really grace when there are strings attached?)  We think we can do it ourselves... and then we wonder why we don't have the grace in our lives like so and so does....

Maybe we need to stop and learn how to be a receiver.  Maybe there isn't anything wrong with, or a lack of grace.  Maybe it is about the receiver of it.  A gift, after all is meaningless unless it can be received...

Will you receive it today?