Worn

Sometimes a song just says it all.  This is what I want to say today:

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

But Jesus.....

Another Motherhood "win"

I have had two deaths in my life this year.  Death is never easy.  It brings with it sadness, loss, grief, questions, accusations, insecurity, and a lot of other sometimes unexplained emotions as well as reactions.

I have been trying to "deal" with these two deaths the best that I know how.  I have been trying to take time to figure out where I am with it.  I have been assessing my reactions to other life events in lieu of the grief I am experiencing.  I have definitely been charged to give myself a LOT more grace than I ever have before (this one is hard for me.)  You know, you need grace in your life.  Not just to give others, but to allow for yourself as well.  We don't always act like we think we should, and if you are like me, you will find yourself judging you a LOT harder than you judge anyone else.  So, when you are grieving and you don't react "normally" to a lot of normal things that happen, grace has to be there.  If the grace is not given its opportunity to come, then you will go into shutdown mode, or breakdown.
i.e. My 8 month old Great Dane took a peanut butter sandwich right out of my 2 year old's hands the other day.  Normally, I would have scolded the Great Dane, put her outside and consoled my 2 year old while telling him to eat at the table so she didn't get his sandwich.  Instead, I immediately started crying.  I chased the Dane around the kitchen island while leaving the 2 year old crying in the corner!  I then chased the Dane into her crate, kicked the side of the crate wall, yelled at the Dane, and slammed the door on her so she would not be able to be near me for a while (this might have been the best decision of that moment).  I then scolded the 2 year old for "letting" the Dane eat his sandwich and stomped over the pantry to make him another (all the while leaving him to cry and run after me). 
Now, it makes my heart ache just re-living that story with you.  I don't normally act this way.  Why did I then?  One simple answer that is filled with so many deep side trails that I can't even explain them to you- GRIEF. 
I did sit down with the 2 year old to say I was sorry for the way I acted.  I hugged his neck and sent him to play with his siblings.  I then felt condemned.  But, I know that condemnation is not from the Lord.  And I am being transformed into His likeness.  So, if I shouldn't be condemned.  And I don't normally act this way, why did it happen this time?  Well, many rabbit trails later, I realized that the whole night, in the back of my mind, I was just needing to process a memory that had surfaced and I never took the time to do it.  So, when this arose, the emotions associated with the memory dictated my reaction.  Was it right?  No.  But those emotions where true and needed to come out.  Should they have come out on my dog and 2 year old?  No.  But they should have come out.  It wasn't the dog's fault or my son's fault that I reacted that way, but I would continue to react that way every time as long as I held my grief in.
I say all this to say that you need to let yourself have the proper time it takes to work though stuff.  And when something happens and you react in a way you know is not your normal self, take the time to think it through.  And let grace in so you can deal with what is already there waiting to come out.

Motherhood struggles part 200 ;-)

So, I posted a video on Facebook the other day of my youngest son playing in the kitchen sink while the water was running....

What I didn't post was that he had also pulled all the knives from my knife block down into the sink with him! 

Why do I say this now?

I was thinking the other day, and telling a friend "the rest of the story" because I had already gotten some flack for leaving him "alone" long enough to do what the video showed. 

I was telling people so that other moms could be free to realize they are not alone in their parenting mishaps and all the while, I was completely not telling the whole story because I suffer from feeling like that same parenting failure that I am trying to free other moms from!  Whoa!  Does that even make sense?!  I am not sure but what I am sure of it this:

As a mom, there have been many times when I have either done something (or not done something for that matter) simply because I was influenced by outside forces and not because I was just being me- the best mom I could be. 

And guess what?  Me- the best mom I could be messes up!  I am selfish, self-centered, and don't have all the answers.  But you know what else?  I am doing the best I can and in the end, I will have grown children with life experiences and love and grace will cover the rest!

So, I encourage you today, be the best mom (or person) you can be!  Be free from what you think are the demands of people; follow Him and be you!  And I will too :)

I'd rather stay on the surface

So, I have been confronted about blogging on the surface!  UGH! 

So here goes.....

 

I feel like I don't have anything good to say.  And by good I mean both positive and helpful.

 

I am a comparer...you know, the kind of person who secretly compares EVERY aspect of life (shoes, kids, voices, amount of take home pay, what you do to get ready in the morning, when do you shower, do you prefer Letterman or Leno, dark wood or light, and on and on).  I am not really into it to "win" but I struggle with caring about "where I stand" after I have categorized all these comparisons.

 

I want to be good at everything I do, but rarely feel like I am doing so.

 

I am high maintenance when it comes to relationships but I will fight to the end to keep one alive, even when it is unhealthy.

 

Obviously, these are but a few of my many quirks, idiosyncrasies, or whatever you want to call them.  I have recognized these things about me but what now? 

 

Well, first, I have come to grips that those things I listed are all parts of me.  I go no further than that right now.  They are just there.  And God made me.  Granted, I am also shaped by this fallen world I live in, but God knew I would be this way today and He still chose me, loves me, and wants to be with me and use me!  If I can not get pasted that one statement right there, then I need go no further.  And that statement can take my whole life to work on really believing!

 

Then, I pray and seek the Lord to see if those things are of Him or not.  And, as He reveals things that need to fall away, (or change) because they are not a part of the new me (you know, the one that Jesus made me to be now that I have surrendered to him), I ask Him to help show me how He sees me so that I can be changed by Him to be that way.   

 

For instance, I have always thought the "not having anything nice to say" quirk was a bad thing all the time.  But, when clothed in the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it can also be a discerning voice used to guide and direct me.

 

I do want to remind anyone reading this that the first step after recognition is to realize that God loves you right where you are.  And he uses you right there as well.  And the more you focus on knowing, trusting, and loving Him, the more you will be transformed into exactly who you already are ;-)

 

 

Forgiveness

Some people say that it is not Biblical to forgive yourself.  I am not here to argue that point.  What I have noticed though is that so many of us walk around still holding on to our sin.  We aren't still sinning, but we are carrying our sin as if we still need it to remind ourselves of how bad we are and use it as a reminder of the punishment we offer ourselves over it.
THAT is what is not Biblical.  Whether we look closely enough to call it forgiveness or not, we need to recognize that when we beat ourselves up over a mistake we have made (sin), and we refuse to let it go until we have been "sufficiently" punished, we are not allowing something to happen.
Grace wants to come in.  Jesus wants what he did on the cross to be enough.  And when we don't give up our mistakes, we are not letting grace and what Jesus did to be enough for us in that moment.
So, let's make a commitment today to start letting all the horrific things Jesus went through to not be gone through in vain.  Let that stripe on his back be enough for your mistake today.  Let grace wash over you and pour down your life like the blood poured down His.

A New Depth of Grace

I am a Christian.  I have walked this truth out for almost 20 years of my life now, and subsequently, I have gotten pretty "good" at it.  Ugh.  That even pains me to say. 

It is at the realization of saying that when I start to unfold my truth for this week.  I am the ugliest person I know.  I don't mean the kind with disfigured features or uneven skin tone either.  I mean that on the inside of myself lies a depth of filth that is greater than even I want to explore...

I get "whiffs" of it sometimes though and that is when another "ugly" comes out to play...PRIDE.  Especially as a Christian, I know that I am supposed to be continually sanctified (becoming more like Jesus) and so, when that whiff of ugly (in the form of a thought or thought combined with emotion) that is not at all like Jesus comes out, my pride kicks in and either justifies it with the best Christian-ese I can conjure, or stuffs it away as if it never even happened in the first place.  More than likely, the second...

And this is where I have been. 

There is more to this story though.  You see, Jesus never asked me to be clean.  He just asked me to come and believe that he is clean.  He never asked me to only have pure thoughts.  he just asked me to come and believe that his thoughts are pure.  he never asked me to always do the right thing.  He only asked me to come and believe that he did the right thing.  And when I try and take over those actions, I am really saying I don't need Him. 

So, I am coming today, bearing my ugly heart.  It is filled with spite, malice, jealousy, deceit, pride and intolerance.  But that is just the kind of heart He can do something with.  He says he will give me a new one anyway.  And when I awake tomorrow, filled with the dirt of the who I once was, His mercies are there just the same...

Don't try and be something for Him.  Just accept what He did for you!  And I will too~

More on Grace

We were given a gift of grace that was SO extreme, I am at a loss for words...

I was thinking a lot about it and realized that all I can do is accept it and then worship the Giver.  I thanked the hands that delivered it as well (manners after all) but truly realizing that if it weren't for the Giver, this gift of grace would not have come...

I was throwing around ideas as to why I am so stumped by this gift and something hit me.,,

I think that I subconsciously assume I deserve most of the graces I have been given in my life.  Almost like I am entitled to them (i.e. I deserve answered prayer because I am a Christian after all).  But I KNOW I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this one.  And yet, He gave it to me anyway.  AND, He reminded me that it is not only this gift of grace that I don't deserve......He gives them to me undeservedly and only wants (not expects) me to thank and worship the Giver!

So, I am repenting tonight for being too justified in my reception of the grace that is continually being poured out to me and I am asking that I depend on, and accept Him more fully now than ever.  :)

Ways to relate

I have another question I have been "chewing on" for quite some time now.  Have you ever read the book Love Languages?  I forget who wrote it and to be honest, I never finished the whole thing.  The general premise is that we all operate "feeling" love by one of five "love languages."  And you probably show love the way you want to receive it.  SO, learn to love based on what the person whom you are loving best receives love and hopefully, they will do the same for you.

I have a new book that is similar to that.  It is about how we relate to (love) God.  It basically says there are something like nine ways we each relate to, or love God. and that is a little different for everybody.  So, find out which one or two are specific to you and then do it!  I think I will like this book because I have known for a long time that I relate to others best by spending quality time with them.  I LOVE to relate by chatting it up!  So then, why do I think I would relate to God the best by doing anything other than that!  I LOVE to be in His presence!  I love to worship and my prayer life is very conversational with Him.  Is that wrong?  Hmm........how do you relate to Him?  Do you feel free to discover that or are you stuck trying to do the "right" thing?

I'll let you know how this book goes.....

Ideally

Shew!

I am thinking that I am done being transparent.  I had a friend ask me last night if I had stopped long enough to really process all that I have been going through....
My response?  I wish I could get away from it!  I wish I could be busy enough that it didn't impact me in this way!  I wish I could stop learning so much about myself (things that are good, things that need to change, and things that just are).  But wait...

Do I really wish all those things?  Do I really wish that I wasn't continually being sanctified by His grace?  Do I really wish that just because it is hard and painful, I didn't continually hear the voice of my Father beckoning me to receive the gift of becoming more like His Son?  Do I really think that there is anywhere in this world that I could "stay" that would erase the memory of my life and if so, would I want that?  Do I really think that I would be okay being anyone other than who I am?

No.

That is why sanctification is so important.  That is why you might have heard it said that Jesus loves you just the way you are- and that is true.  But he refuses to let you stay that way- which is true.

So, change me, Lord!  Make me into the woman I have always been but been unaware of so that I may glorify Your name!

And that is why, I am continuing to discover.  That is why sanctification is so important. 

Why? Grace?

I know you ask it as well. Why??  Why me?  Why now?  Why this?

I have asked that question lately.  I don't even think it consciously sometimes but I realize my actions and subsequent thoughts point to me wondering why...
It hit me the other day that maybe an answer to "why" is simple...
One of God's favorite things to do it extend grace...
And it is in those circumstances where we are asking the "why" that His grace can be fully extended and accepted...

Whelmed

I admit it.  I watched (and loved) the movie, Clueless in high school!  There is this part in the movie where Cher and her friend are walking to school and she says, "I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"  To which here friend replies, "I don't know, that is deep..."
Ha ha ha, right?  I thought is was funny then (and I do thinking about it now) but I found myself thinking about that last night...
I was cooking dinner by myself with four small children.  My almost two year old was closest to me, about two feet away playing in the sink (hey, that keeps him occupied longer than most anything).  I was attempting a new recipe that required a lot of patience (which I have little) and skill (which I have even less).  I was concentrating really hard.  I knew my little bit had water running, but wasn't really paying much attention...until the sound changed....but I was at an intense part in the recipe so a couple minutes went by....
Then I looked over (two feet over, mind you) to see water running out of the full sink, over the counter, down the side of the cabinet in-between the stove, and leaving a four foot diameter lake on the floor...
I yelled for someone to get a towel but because of their select hearing, no one answered...
I left my dinner, ran upstairs to get two of the biggest beach towels to sop the water up...
I came back down, saw that I had forgotten to turn the water off (so did that), cleaned up the water (which took more than the two towels), then threw my now smoking pan of dinner off the hot burner...
I noticed it was not too bad, so I put it back on and poured the chicken stock into the scalding pan= steam burn on both my hands!!!!
I then heard water again and looked over to see that my little bit had pushed a chair back to the sink and was running more (hot) water and sitting inside the sink!  I cursed to myself because of the pain of the burn and ran over to turn the water off and get little bit down.....
I was finishing the sauce for the homemade meatballs when my daughter came down and peered into the oven to ask, "mommy, are you making cookies!"...
Looked in to the oven with her to see my meatballs were now meat patty/pies!
Heard another water noise and turned around to see my little bit dumping the contents of the dogs' gallon water jug on the floor....
Finished dinner a little late (John walked in the door and only had 15 min by the time dinner was done)
And found myself thinking, "I am SO OVERWHELMEMD!!!  Can't I just be whelmed???"

So, have you felt the same way?