Worn

Sometimes a song just says it all.  This is what I want to say today:

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

But Jesus.....

When Jesus calls

I didn't think it would be like this.

I thought that I was ready.  I know God asked me to do this.  I know it was hard before but at least then, I had a safety net.  I thought that things would be better.  Easier even.  I was wrong.

God asked me to do something that I am sure of.  I have taken the first step.  I am walking in obedience to Him.  So, why is this hitting me so hard?  I know that it is right.  I have support from those around me.  But it sucks.  I feel horrible.  Why? 

I am crying.  I feel a death happening inside me.  And I know it is right.  I know He is here. 

So, I go where He has called me.  I turn aside my pride.  I remind myself that my identity is in Him.  I am a daughter of the Most High.  I am me.  And what He might really be asking me to "do" right now is believe that right there. 
No other label attached.
 Just me and Him.

Walking on the water

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

I know He has called me.  He has called me to come to Him.  I want it SO bad.  I need Him.  I want Him.  I know he will be waiting for me when I get there.  But in order to touch Him, I have to step out of the boat.  There is wind out there.  The waves are over my head sometimes but I can see Him beckoning me to come....

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Mind racing, heart pounding, palms sweating, and knees shaking, I convince myself the benefits outweigh the cost.  Mind made up.  Face set like stone.  I know where I am going.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Brave.  Eyes peering over the edge.....I see the depths of the unknown and instead of uncertainty, I feel brave.  One step over the edge I go!  I am walking on water

I see His face!

And then, suddenly, I remember the enormity of what He has called me to do.  Knees shaking, heart pounding, my breath gone.

Fear

Where is He- I am looking down?

Sinking.

 But not drowning.  I am reminded- all I need is Him.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Thank you Jesus

Identity

I sat down for a "Bible study" this evening with a friend.

She had a hard day and I had had....well one of "those" kind of weeks.

We were scheduled to talk about the book of Revelation of Jesus Christ tonight but judging her body language along with my sense of relaxation, I took a minute to just be quite.

We exchanged pleasantries and she asked me what was going on.  I started to generalize about four major events that were happening in my life at that point.  She caught me right away (she is good at that).  She pressed on one particular- my career path.  I have been a stay at home mom for almost eleven years and in the last six months, I got a new job.  We have been talking about whether or not I was going to stay where I am at, or whether I was going to pursue other options that might fit me better.  I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and that made it hard to know what to pursue.  She kept pushing.  I told her that I needed the job to make enough money to provide for my family and she kept pushing.  I told her I liked people and she said I should be a nurse.  NO.  I told her I wanted to help people and she said I should work in the Welfare office.   I was getting angry at this point.  Why was she pushing so hard?  Why didn't I know what I wanted to do?  Why was I angry?

She kept on going though despite me telling her I wanted to punch her.  She wrote down some names of people I could contact for more info. on some things I might be interested in.  I didn't want to call them.  We went back and forth like this for some time.  I finally started to cry....

What was happening?  Where did this come from?  Why was this coming?  I told her I didn't want to call one person and she said she thought I wouldn't which just made me even angrier!  I said we needed to stop and the tears couldn't be contained at that point.  She asked what was going on and I spilled out a myriad of things (most of which dealt with all the "happenings" of the week). 

Why do I tell you all this?  Because, at the end of my "rant" about why I was so emotional with her, the answer to everything came out.  Huh.  I felt better (a little).  I was so tore up about everything because I am out of control.  (that one hurts to say still)

All these things in my life right now are just little reminders that I am not ultimately in control of my life (and I don't need to be)!  I told her that.  (shew!)  And my physical reaction to all of this was to sob like a little girl.  She held my hand.  Then, she put the paper she had been logging my answers on away. 

We talked for a little while longer and another answer came to the surface.  All of the things I have been dealing with lately also have to do with my identity.  Now, I know that in order to be a "good Christian" you have to have your identity in one place:  Christ.  And I like to think my identity is in Him.  But in Him alone?  I would love to say yes, but tonight proved otherwise. 

So, in all this be encouraged.  Christ is still the answer.  He is the one who tells me who I am.  I just need to knock my flesh out of the way sometimes and that can cause "adverse reactions."  Because there is no formula for all of this. 

Motherhood struggles part 200 ;-)

So, I posted a video on Facebook the other day of my youngest son playing in the kitchen sink while the water was running....

What I didn't post was that he had also pulled all the knives from my knife block down into the sink with him! 

Why do I say this now?

I was thinking the other day, and telling a friend "the rest of the story" because I had already gotten some flack for leaving him "alone" long enough to do what the video showed. 

I was telling people so that other moms could be free to realize they are not alone in their parenting mishaps and all the while, I was completely not telling the whole story because I suffer from feeling like that same parenting failure that I am trying to free other moms from!  Whoa!  Does that even make sense?!  I am not sure but what I am sure of it this:

As a mom, there have been many times when I have either done something (or not done something for that matter) simply because I was influenced by outside forces and not because I was just being me- the best mom I could be. 

And guess what?  Me- the best mom I could be messes up!  I am selfish, self-centered, and don't have all the answers.  But you know what else?  I am doing the best I can and in the end, I will have grown children with life experiences and love and grace will cover the rest!

So, I encourage you today, be the best mom (or person) you can be!  Be free from what you think are the demands of people; follow Him and be you!  And I will too :)

I'd rather stay on the surface

So, I have been confronted about blogging on the surface!  UGH! 

So here goes.....

 

I feel like I don't have anything good to say.  And by good I mean both positive and helpful.

 

I am a comparer...you know, the kind of person who secretly compares EVERY aspect of life (shoes, kids, voices, amount of take home pay, what you do to get ready in the morning, when do you shower, do you prefer Letterman or Leno, dark wood or light, and on and on).  I am not really into it to "win" but I struggle with caring about "where I stand" after I have categorized all these comparisons.

 

I want to be good at everything I do, but rarely feel like I am doing so.

 

I am high maintenance when it comes to relationships but I will fight to the end to keep one alive, even when it is unhealthy.

 

Obviously, these are but a few of my many quirks, idiosyncrasies, or whatever you want to call them.  I have recognized these things about me but what now? 

 

Well, first, I have come to grips that those things I listed are all parts of me.  I go no further than that right now.  They are just there.  And God made me.  Granted, I am also shaped by this fallen world I live in, but God knew I would be this way today and He still chose me, loves me, and wants to be with me and use me!  If I can not get pasted that one statement right there, then I need go no further.  And that statement can take my whole life to work on really believing!

 

Then, I pray and seek the Lord to see if those things are of Him or not.  And, as He reveals things that need to fall away, (or change) because they are not a part of the new me (you know, the one that Jesus made me to be now that I have surrendered to him), I ask Him to help show me how He sees me so that I can be changed by Him to be that way.   

 

For instance, I have always thought the "not having anything nice to say" quirk was a bad thing all the time.  But, when clothed in the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it can also be a discerning voice used to guide and direct me.

 

I do want to remind anyone reading this that the first step after recognition is to realize that God loves you right where you are.  And he uses you right there as well.  And the more you focus on knowing, trusting, and loving Him, the more you will be transformed into exactly who you already are ;-)

 

 

Forgiveness

Some people say that it is not Biblical to forgive yourself.  I am not here to argue that point.  What I have noticed though is that so many of us walk around still holding on to our sin.  We aren't still sinning, but we are carrying our sin as if we still need it to remind ourselves of how bad we are and use it as a reminder of the punishment we offer ourselves over it.
THAT is what is not Biblical.  Whether we look closely enough to call it forgiveness or not, we need to recognize that when we beat ourselves up over a mistake we have made (sin), and we refuse to let it go until we have been "sufficiently" punished, we are not allowing something to happen.
Grace wants to come in.  Jesus wants what he did on the cross to be enough.  And when we don't give up our mistakes, we are not letting grace and what Jesus did to be enough for us in that moment.
So, let's make a commitment today to start letting all the horrific things Jesus went through to not be gone through in vain.  Let that stripe on his back be enough for your mistake today.  Let grace wash over you and pour down your life like the blood poured down His.

A New Depth of Grace

I am a Christian.  I have walked this truth out for almost 20 years of my life now, and subsequently, I have gotten pretty "good" at it.  Ugh.  That even pains me to say. 

It is at the realization of saying that when I start to unfold my truth for this week.  I am the ugliest person I know.  I don't mean the kind with disfigured features or uneven skin tone either.  I mean that on the inside of myself lies a depth of filth that is greater than even I want to explore...

I get "whiffs" of it sometimes though and that is when another "ugly" comes out to play...PRIDE.  Especially as a Christian, I know that I am supposed to be continually sanctified (becoming more like Jesus) and so, when that whiff of ugly (in the form of a thought or thought combined with emotion) that is not at all like Jesus comes out, my pride kicks in and either justifies it with the best Christian-ese I can conjure, or stuffs it away as if it never even happened in the first place.  More than likely, the second...

And this is where I have been. 

There is more to this story though.  You see, Jesus never asked me to be clean.  He just asked me to come and believe that he is clean.  He never asked me to only have pure thoughts.  he just asked me to come and believe that his thoughts are pure.  he never asked me to always do the right thing.  He only asked me to come and believe that he did the right thing.  And when I try and take over those actions, I am really saying I don't need Him. 

So, I am coming today, bearing my ugly heart.  It is filled with spite, malice, jealousy, deceit, pride and intolerance.  But that is just the kind of heart He can do something with.  He says he will give me a new one anyway.  And when I awake tomorrow, filled with the dirt of the who I once was, His mercies are there just the same...

Don't try and be something for Him.  Just accept what He did for you!  And I will too~

Drowning or Drowning out?

You should hear the level of noise resonating in my house right now.  I was trying to tell my husband something and I just stopped because it was easier to stop and  not say anything than to try and yell over the noise that surrounded us. 

Then I realized something.....I really feel like I am drowning sometimes....I used to live a comfortable life that I could handle, but now, now I am in over my head.  There are many times when I cringe at the thought of someone watching in on my life.
That leads me to start drowning out the noise...
I start not being present for my kids and hubby first.  I escape to Facebook.  I try and do anything to not have to face the people around me.  Ugh, I hate writing this....I will even do chores around the house that I wouldnt otherwise do just so I dont have to be with those I love...ouch.
So, when I feel like I am drowning...I start to drown out.
The Lord is showing me something about that though.  People say He will never give you more than you can handle but I disagree.   I think He will always give you more than you alone can handle so that you have to rely on Him!  And then, you are faced with the choice when you are drowning....are you going to drown out by leaving mentally and emotionally, or are you going to drown in Him and let Him take care of you?

More on Grace

We were given a gift of grace that was SO extreme, I am at a loss for words...

I was thinking a lot about it and realized that all I can do is accept it and then worship the Giver.  I thanked the hands that delivered it as well (manners after all) but truly realizing that if it weren't for the Giver, this gift of grace would not have come...

I was throwing around ideas as to why I am so stumped by this gift and something hit me.,,

I think that I subconsciously assume I deserve most of the graces I have been given in my life.  Almost like I am entitled to them (i.e. I deserve answered prayer because I am a Christian after all).  But I KNOW I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this one.  And yet, He gave it to me anyway.  AND, He reminded me that it is not only this gift of grace that I don't deserve......He gives them to me undeservedly and only wants (not expects) me to thank and worship the Giver!

So, I am repenting tonight for being too justified in my reception of the grace that is continually being poured out to me and I am asking that I depend on, and accept Him more fully now than ever.  :)

Ways to relate

I have another question I have been "chewing on" for quite some time now.  Have you ever read the book Love Languages?  I forget who wrote it and to be honest, I never finished the whole thing.  The general premise is that we all operate "feeling" love by one of five "love languages."  And you probably show love the way you want to receive it.  SO, learn to love based on what the person whom you are loving best receives love and hopefully, they will do the same for you.

I have a new book that is similar to that.  It is about how we relate to (love) God.  It basically says there are something like nine ways we each relate to, or love God. and that is a little different for everybody.  So, find out which one or two are specific to you and then do it!  I think I will like this book because I have known for a long time that I relate to others best by spending quality time with them.  I LOVE to relate by chatting it up!  So then, why do I think I would relate to God the best by doing anything other than that!  I LOVE to be in His presence!  I love to worship and my prayer life is very conversational with Him.  Is that wrong?  Hmm........how do you relate to Him?  Do you feel free to discover that or are you stuck trying to do the "right" thing?

I'll let you know how this book goes.....

Ideally

Shew!

I am thinking that I am done being transparent.  I had a friend ask me last night if I had stopped long enough to really process all that I have been going through....
My response?  I wish I could get away from it!  I wish I could be busy enough that it didn't impact me in this way!  I wish I could stop learning so much about myself (things that are good, things that need to change, and things that just are).  But wait...

Do I really wish all those things?  Do I really wish that I wasn't continually being sanctified by His grace?  Do I really wish that just because it is hard and painful, I didn't continually hear the voice of my Father beckoning me to receive the gift of becoming more like His Son?  Do I really think that there is anywhere in this world that I could "stay" that would erase the memory of my life and if so, would I want that?  Do I really think that I would be okay being anyone other than who I am?

No.

That is why sanctification is so important.  That is why you might have heard it said that Jesus loves you just the way you are- and that is true.  But he refuses to let you stay that way- which is true.

So, change me, Lord!  Make me into the woman I have always been but been unaware of so that I may glorify Your name!

And that is why, I am continuing to discover.  That is why sanctification is so important. 

Why? Grace?

I know you ask it as well. Why??  Why me?  Why now?  Why this?

I have asked that question lately.  I don't even think it consciously sometimes but I realize my actions and subsequent thoughts point to me wondering why...
It hit me the other day that maybe an answer to "why" is simple...
One of God's favorite things to do it extend grace...
And it is in those circumstances where we are asking the "why" that His grace can be fully extended and accepted...

Whelmed

I admit it.  I watched (and loved) the movie, Clueless in high school!  There is this part in the movie where Cher and her friend are walking to school and she says, "I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"  To which here friend replies, "I don't know, that is deep..."
Ha ha ha, right?  I thought is was funny then (and I do thinking about it now) but I found myself thinking about that last night...
I was cooking dinner by myself with four small children.  My almost two year old was closest to me, about two feet away playing in the sink (hey, that keeps him occupied longer than most anything).  I was attempting a new recipe that required a lot of patience (which I have little) and skill (which I have even less).  I was concentrating really hard.  I knew my little bit had water running, but wasn't really paying much attention...until the sound changed....but I was at an intense part in the recipe so a couple minutes went by....
Then I looked over (two feet over, mind you) to see water running out of the full sink, over the counter, down the side of the cabinet in-between the stove, and leaving a four foot diameter lake on the floor...
I yelled for someone to get a towel but because of their select hearing, no one answered...
I left my dinner, ran upstairs to get two of the biggest beach towels to sop the water up...
I came back down, saw that I had forgotten to turn the water off (so did that), cleaned up the water (which took more than the two towels), then threw my now smoking pan of dinner off the hot burner...
I noticed it was not too bad, so I put it back on and poured the chicken stock into the scalding pan= steam burn on both my hands!!!!
I then heard water again and looked over to see that my little bit had pushed a chair back to the sink and was running more (hot) water and sitting inside the sink!  I cursed to myself because of the pain of the burn and ran over to turn the water off and get little bit down.....
I was finishing the sauce for the homemade meatballs when my daughter came down and peered into the oven to ask, "mommy, are you making cookies!"...
Looked in to the oven with her to see my meatballs were now meat patty/pies!
Heard another water noise and turned around to see my little bit dumping the contents of the dogs' gallon water jug on the floor....
Finished dinner a little late (John walked in the door and only had 15 min by the time dinner was done)
And found myself thinking, "I am SO OVERWHELMEMD!!!  Can't I just be whelmed???"

So, have you felt the same way? 

Taste and See

I am on a journey to memorize one scripture a week. This is not meant to be a religious deed (although it is in a way but that is a different story) but something that I am inspired to do based on getting to know many of my baptist friends who can quote me 72% of the New Testament!

The first verse that I aimed at memorizing for this was Psalm 34:8- Oh taste and see that God is good. Blessed is the man who trusts in Him.

I thought this might just be a standard memorization process and by the end I would have "the Word in my heart" (or in my brain I should say as that was my attitude) as so many say we should. "You know, you never know when we won't have a Bible in our hands and then we will wish we had it in our hearts." While this is a true saying, I had never taken it seriously enough to crack down and memorize scripture enough to be able to quote it with the reference. Now was the time.......

What I didn't realize is the impact this one little verse would have on me from dwelling on it for a week. The Word says in Psalm 119, " I will meditate on Your precepts, And contemplate Your ways. I will delight myself in Your statutes; I will not forget Your word." Joshua chapter 1 states, "The Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." With that said, I shouldn't have been surprised that meditating on the Word produced much change but I was- and it did.

What I took away from the verse in Psalm 34 is that if you have indeed tasted and seen that God is good (which all believers have) then you will trust in Him.

It is not hard to remember what the taste of your favorite food is, right? I am thinking of a piece of tiramisu from my favorite Italian restaurant right now and my mouth is watering. It has been quite a while since I have had it, but I sure remember that taste! :)

Are you having trouble trusting God? I know there are certainly areas of my life where I do! Why? Could it be that I have forgotten about the taste of His goodness?

Maybe you are saying He hasn't been that good to you? Maybe you are in a low time of your life where you are feeling like there is a void where goodness should be. Have you forgotten His son saving you from eternal damnation? Have you lost touch with what is was like the first days of your new life (salvation)? He IS good and all you have to do is remember the taste of His goodness and you too, will be blessed by trusting in Him! I would take this a step further......get into His word! Meditate on a verse day and night for a week and see what He says to you! He longs to show you his goodness- let him in...........