Worn

Sometimes a song just says it all.  This is what I want to say today:

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

But Jesus.....

Another Motherhood "win"

I have had two deaths in my life this year.  Death is never easy.  It brings with it sadness, loss, grief, questions, accusations, insecurity, and a lot of other sometimes unexplained emotions as well as reactions.

I have been trying to "deal" with these two deaths the best that I know how.  I have been trying to take time to figure out where I am with it.  I have been assessing my reactions to other life events in lieu of the grief I am experiencing.  I have definitely been charged to give myself a LOT more grace than I ever have before (this one is hard for me.)  You know, you need grace in your life.  Not just to give others, but to allow for yourself as well.  We don't always act like we think we should, and if you are like me, you will find yourself judging you a LOT harder than you judge anyone else.  So, when you are grieving and you don't react "normally" to a lot of normal things that happen, grace has to be there.  If the grace is not given its opportunity to come, then you will go into shutdown mode, or breakdown.
i.e. My 8 month old Great Dane took a peanut butter sandwich right out of my 2 year old's hands the other day.  Normally, I would have scolded the Great Dane, put her outside and consoled my 2 year old while telling him to eat at the table so she didn't get his sandwich.  Instead, I immediately started crying.  I chased the Dane around the kitchen island while leaving the 2 year old crying in the corner!  I then chased the Dane into her crate, kicked the side of the crate wall, yelled at the Dane, and slammed the door on her so she would not be able to be near me for a while (this might have been the best decision of that moment).  I then scolded the 2 year old for "letting" the Dane eat his sandwich and stomped over the pantry to make him another (all the while leaving him to cry and run after me). 
Now, it makes my heart ache just re-living that story with you.  I don't normally act this way.  Why did I then?  One simple answer that is filled with so many deep side trails that I can't even explain them to you- GRIEF. 
I did sit down with the 2 year old to say I was sorry for the way I acted.  I hugged his neck and sent him to play with his siblings.  I then felt condemned.  But, I know that condemnation is not from the Lord.  And I am being transformed into His likeness.  So, if I shouldn't be condemned.  And I don't normally act this way, why did it happen this time?  Well, many rabbit trails later, I realized that the whole night, in the back of my mind, I was just needing to process a memory that had surfaced and I never took the time to do it.  So, when this arose, the emotions associated with the memory dictated my reaction.  Was it right?  No.  But those emotions where true and needed to come out.  Should they have come out on my dog and 2 year old?  No.  But they should have come out.  It wasn't the dog's fault or my son's fault that I reacted that way, but I would continue to react that way every time as long as I held my grief in.
I say all this to say that you need to let yourself have the proper time it takes to work though stuff.  And when something happens and you react in a way you know is not your normal self, take the time to think it through.  And let grace in so you can deal with what is already there waiting to come out.

The Process

We are doing another project on our house.  I LOVE getting into a project!

I love to idealize what would work best with the theme of what we have to accomplish.  I LOVE to pick out the materials to do what we need to do.  I love to find the most economical way of doing the project.  And, I LOVE seeing the end result of all our hard work!

What I don't love is the process.  You know, the actual getting down to the nitty-gritty of doing the work once you have all the materials.  I don't like it because it takes too long.  I don't like it because it never goes exactly like I thought it would.  I don't like it because while it is being done, my surroundings are all awry.  I don't like it because it is dirty, smells and is generally a pain in my behind.

As I was thinking about that and pinning in my self pity of the situation, it struck me that the way I feel about most projects we do physically to our house, is the way I feel about  my life.  I LOVE the vision of things.  I LOVE seeing the end result.  I LOVE the before and after (and comparing the two).  But I strongly dislike the process.

Maybe this is "just the way I am."  Maybe this is one of the ways God is shaping me to be more like Jesus.  I am not sure.  But I recognize it now and I am hoping some people out there who love and enjoy (or at the very least, embrace) the process can come alongside me and help a girl out.

:)

Identity

I sat down for a "Bible study" this evening with a friend.

She had a hard day and I had had....well one of "those" kind of weeks.

We were scheduled to talk about the book of Revelation of Jesus Christ tonight but judging her body language along with my sense of relaxation, I took a minute to just be quite.

We exchanged pleasantries and she asked me what was going on.  I started to generalize about four major events that were happening in my life at that point.  She caught me right away (she is good at that).  She pressed on one particular- my career path.  I have been a stay at home mom for almost eleven years and in the last six months, I got a new job.  We have been talking about whether or not I was going to stay where I am at, or whether I was going to pursue other options that might fit me better.  I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and that made it hard to know what to pursue.  She kept pushing.  I told her that I needed the job to make enough money to provide for my family and she kept pushing.  I told her I liked people and she said I should be a nurse.  NO.  I told her I wanted to help people and she said I should work in the Welfare office.   I was getting angry at this point.  Why was she pushing so hard?  Why didn't I know what I wanted to do?  Why was I angry?

She kept on going though despite me telling her I wanted to punch her.  She wrote down some names of people I could contact for more info. on some things I might be interested in.  I didn't want to call them.  We went back and forth like this for some time.  I finally started to cry....

What was happening?  Where did this come from?  Why was this coming?  I told her I didn't want to call one person and she said she thought I wouldn't which just made me even angrier!  I said we needed to stop and the tears couldn't be contained at that point.  She asked what was going on and I spilled out a myriad of things (most of which dealt with all the "happenings" of the week). 

Why do I tell you all this?  Because, at the end of my "rant" about why I was so emotional with her, the answer to everything came out.  Huh.  I felt better (a little).  I was so tore up about everything because I am out of control.  (that one hurts to say still)

All these things in my life right now are just little reminders that I am not ultimately in control of my life (and I don't need to be)!  I told her that.  (shew!)  And my physical reaction to all of this was to sob like a little girl.  She held my hand.  Then, she put the paper she had been logging my answers on away. 

We talked for a little while longer and another answer came to the surface.  All of the things I have been dealing with lately also have to do with my identity.  Now, I know that in order to be a "good Christian" you have to have your identity in one place:  Christ.  And I like to think my identity is in Him.  But in Him alone?  I would love to say yes, but tonight proved otherwise. 

So, in all this be encouraged.  Christ is still the answer.  He is the one who tells me who I am.  I just need to knock my flesh out of the way sometimes and that can cause "adverse reactions."  Because there is no formula for all of this. 

Motherhood struggles part 200 ;-)

So, I posted a video on Facebook the other day of my youngest son playing in the kitchen sink while the water was running....

What I didn't post was that he had also pulled all the knives from my knife block down into the sink with him! 

Why do I say this now?

I was thinking the other day, and telling a friend "the rest of the story" because I had already gotten some flack for leaving him "alone" long enough to do what the video showed. 

I was telling people so that other moms could be free to realize they are not alone in their parenting mishaps and all the while, I was completely not telling the whole story because I suffer from feeling like that same parenting failure that I am trying to free other moms from!  Whoa!  Does that even make sense?!  I am not sure but what I am sure of it this:

As a mom, there have been many times when I have either done something (or not done something for that matter) simply because I was influenced by outside forces and not because I was just being me- the best mom I could be. 

And guess what?  Me- the best mom I could be messes up!  I am selfish, self-centered, and don't have all the answers.  But you know what else?  I am doing the best I can and in the end, I will have grown children with life experiences and love and grace will cover the rest!

So, I encourage you today, be the best mom (or person) you can be!  Be free from what you think are the demands of people; follow Him and be you!  And I will too :)

Getting over my insecurities.......hopefully

I have started posting a lot of "Mom of the Year" award nominations on Facebook lately. 
These are little tidbits about my life as a mother (or moreover, my children's lives as my children) and how awesome it is to be a kid in my house (not).  If you can't tell by my tone (oh wait, this is being typed) that I am being sarcastic, then here is a spoiler alert:  I am pretty sure I won't be winning any award this year for my outstanding ability to parent children who are "little angels" by the Leave It To Beaver standards. 

No time

No.  I don't think you understand.  Life is coming at me so fast, I don't even have time to write this blog!  I am serious!  I have been interrupted by my children seven times since I have started this ten minutes ago!!!  And now, I don't even fully remember what it was I was trying to convey! (must have been important, huh?)

I like to think I try and balance my time well (spending enough time with my kids/work/myself) but it makes it hard when all those things seem to intermix and interrupt each other.  What do you do?

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