Worn

Sometimes a song just says it all.  This is what I want to say today:

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

But Jesus.....

Another Motherhood "win"

I have had two deaths in my life this year.  Death is never easy.  It brings with it sadness, loss, grief, questions, accusations, insecurity, and a lot of other sometimes unexplained emotions as well as reactions.

I have been trying to "deal" with these two deaths the best that I know how.  I have been trying to take time to figure out where I am with it.  I have been assessing my reactions to other life events in lieu of the grief I am experiencing.  I have definitely been charged to give myself a LOT more grace than I ever have before (this one is hard for me.)  You know, you need grace in your life.  Not just to give others, but to allow for yourself as well.  We don't always act like we think we should, and if you are like me, you will find yourself judging you a LOT harder than you judge anyone else.  So, when you are grieving and you don't react "normally" to a lot of normal things that happen, grace has to be there.  If the grace is not given its opportunity to come, then you will go into shutdown mode, or breakdown.
i.e. My 8 month old Great Dane took a peanut butter sandwich right out of my 2 year old's hands the other day.  Normally, I would have scolded the Great Dane, put her outside and consoled my 2 year old while telling him to eat at the table so she didn't get his sandwich.  Instead, I immediately started crying.  I chased the Dane around the kitchen island while leaving the 2 year old crying in the corner!  I then chased the Dane into her crate, kicked the side of the crate wall, yelled at the Dane, and slammed the door on her so she would not be able to be near me for a while (this might have been the best decision of that moment).  I then scolded the 2 year old for "letting" the Dane eat his sandwich and stomped over the pantry to make him another (all the while leaving him to cry and run after me). 
Now, it makes my heart ache just re-living that story with you.  I don't normally act this way.  Why did I then?  One simple answer that is filled with so many deep side trails that I can't even explain them to you- GRIEF. 
I did sit down with the 2 year old to say I was sorry for the way I acted.  I hugged his neck and sent him to play with his siblings.  I then felt condemned.  But, I know that condemnation is not from the Lord.  And I am being transformed into His likeness.  So, if I shouldn't be condemned.  And I don't normally act this way, why did it happen this time?  Well, many rabbit trails later, I realized that the whole night, in the back of my mind, I was just needing to process a memory that had surfaced and I never took the time to do it.  So, when this arose, the emotions associated with the memory dictated my reaction.  Was it right?  No.  But those emotions where true and needed to come out.  Should they have come out on my dog and 2 year old?  No.  But they should have come out.  It wasn't the dog's fault or my son's fault that I reacted that way, but I would continue to react that way every time as long as I held my grief in.
I say all this to say that you need to let yourself have the proper time it takes to work though stuff.  And when something happens and you react in a way you know is not your normal self, take the time to think it through.  And let grace in so you can deal with what is already there waiting to come out.

Motherhood struggles part 200 ;-)

So, I posted a video on Facebook the other day of my youngest son playing in the kitchen sink while the water was running....

What I didn't post was that he had also pulled all the knives from my knife block down into the sink with him! 

Why do I say this now?

I was thinking the other day, and telling a friend "the rest of the story" because I had already gotten some flack for leaving him "alone" long enough to do what the video showed. 

I was telling people so that other moms could be free to realize they are not alone in their parenting mishaps and all the while, I was completely not telling the whole story because I suffer from feeling like that same parenting failure that I am trying to free other moms from!  Whoa!  Does that even make sense?!  I am not sure but what I am sure of it this:

As a mom, there have been many times when I have either done something (or not done something for that matter) simply because I was influenced by outside forces and not because I was just being me- the best mom I could be. 

And guess what?  Me- the best mom I could be messes up!  I am selfish, self-centered, and don't have all the answers.  But you know what else?  I am doing the best I can and in the end, I will have grown children with life experiences and love and grace will cover the rest!

So, I encourage you today, be the best mom (or person) you can be!  Be free from what you think are the demands of people; follow Him and be you!  And I will too :)

I'd rather stay on the surface

So, I have been confronted about blogging on the surface!  UGH! 

So here goes.....

 

I feel like I don't have anything good to say.  And by good I mean both positive and helpful.

 

I am a comparer...you know, the kind of person who secretly compares EVERY aspect of life (shoes, kids, voices, amount of take home pay, what you do to get ready in the morning, when do you shower, do you prefer Letterman or Leno, dark wood or light, and on and on).  I am not really into it to "win" but I struggle with caring about "where I stand" after I have categorized all these comparisons.

 

I want to be good at everything I do, but rarely feel like I am doing so.

 

I am high maintenance when it comes to relationships but I will fight to the end to keep one alive, even when it is unhealthy.

 

Obviously, these are but a few of my many quirks, idiosyncrasies, or whatever you want to call them.  I have recognized these things about me but what now? 

 

Well, first, I have come to grips that those things I listed are all parts of me.  I go no further than that right now.  They are just there.  And God made me.  Granted, I am also shaped by this fallen world I live in, but God knew I would be this way today and He still chose me, loves me, and wants to be with me and use me!  If I can not get pasted that one statement right there, then I need go no further.  And that statement can take my whole life to work on really believing!

 

Then, I pray and seek the Lord to see if those things are of Him or not.  And, as He reveals things that need to fall away, (or change) because they are not a part of the new me (you know, the one that Jesus made me to be now that I have surrendered to him), I ask Him to help show me how He sees me so that I can be changed by Him to be that way.   

 

For instance, I have always thought the "not having anything nice to say" quirk was a bad thing all the time.  But, when clothed in the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it can also be a discerning voice used to guide and direct me.

 

I do want to remind anyone reading this that the first step after recognition is to realize that God loves you right where you are.  And he uses you right there as well.  And the more you focus on knowing, trusting, and loving Him, the more you will be transformed into exactly who you already are ;-)

 

 

Drowning or Drowning out?

You should hear the level of noise resonating in my house right now.  I was trying to tell my husband something and I just stopped because it was easier to stop and  not say anything than to try and yell over the noise that surrounded us. 

Then I realized something.....I really feel like I am drowning sometimes....I used to live a comfortable life that I could handle, but now, now I am in over my head.  There are many times when I cringe at the thought of someone watching in on my life.
That leads me to start drowning out the noise...
I start not being present for my kids and hubby first.  I escape to Facebook.  I try and do anything to not have to face the people around me.  Ugh, I hate writing this....I will even do chores around the house that I wouldnt otherwise do just so I dont have to be with those I love...ouch.
So, when I feel like I am drowning...I start to drown out.
The Lord is showing me something about that though.  People say He will never give you more than you can handle but I disagree.   I think He will always give you more than you alone can handle so that you have to rely on Him!  And then, you are faced with the choice when you are drowning....are you going to drown out by leaving mentally and emotionally, or are you going to drown in Him and let Him take care of you?