Worn

Sometimes a song just says it all.  This is what I want to say today:

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

But Jesus.....

Another Motherhood "win"

I have had two deaths in my life this year.  Death is never easy.  It brings with it sadness, loss, grief, questions, accusations, insecurity, and a lot of other sometimes unexplained emotions as well as reactions.

I have been trying to "deal" with these two deaths the best that I know how.  I have been trying to take time to figure out where I am with it.  I have been assessing my reactions to other life events in lieu of the grief I am experiencing.  I have definitely been charged to give myself a LOT more grace than I ever have before (this one is hard for me.)  You know, you need grace in your life.  Not just to give others, but to allow for yourself as well.  We don't always act like we think we should, and if you are like me, you will find yourself judging you a LOT harder than you judge anyone else.  So, when you are grieving and you don't react "normally" to a lot of normal things that happen, grace has to be there.  If the grace is not given its opportunity to come, then you will go into shutdown mode, or breakdown.
i.e. My 8 month old Great Dane took a peanut butter sandwich right out of my 2 year old's hands the other day.  Normally, I would have scolded the Great Dane, put her outside and consoled my 2 year old while telling him to eat at the table so she didn't get his sandwich.  Instead, I immediately started crying.  I chased the Dane around the kitchen island while leaving the 2 year old crying in the corner!  I then chased the Dane into her crate, kicked the side of the crate wall, yelled at the Dane, and slammed the door on her so she would not be able to be near me for a while (this might have been the best decision of that moment).  I then scolded the 2 year old for "letting" the Dane eat his sandwich and stomped over the pantry to make him another (all the while leaving him to cry and run after me). 
Now, it makes my heart ache just re-living that story with you.  I don't normally act this way.  Why did I then?  One simple answer that is filled with so many deep side trails that I can't even explain them to you- GRIEF. 
I did sit down with the 2 year old to say I was sorry for the way I acted.  I hugged his neck and sent him to play with his siblings.  I then felt condemned.  But, I know that condemnation is not from the Lord.  And I am being transformed into His likeness.  So, if I shouldn't be condemned.  And I don't normally act this way, why did it happen this time?  Well, many rabbit trails later, I realized that the whole night, in the back of my mind, I was just needing to process a memory that had surfaced and I never took the time to do it.  So, when this arose, the emotions associated with the memory dictated my reaction.  Was it right?  No.  But those emotions where true and needed to come out.  Should they have come out on my dog and 2 year old?  No.  But they should have come out.  It wasn't the dog's fault or my son's fault that I reacted that way, but I would continue to react that way every time as long as I held my grief in.
I say all this to say that you need to let yourself have the proper time it takes to work though stuff.  And when something happens and you react in a way you know is not your normal self, take the time to think it through.  And let grace in so you can deal with what is already there waiting to come out.

The Process

We are doing another project on our house.  I LOVE getting into a project!

I love to idealize what would work best with the theme of what we have to accomplish.  I LOVE to pick out the materials to do what we need to do.  I love to find the most economical way of doing the project.  And, I LOVE seeing the end result of all our hard work!

What I don't love is the process.  You know, the actual getting down to the nitty-gritty of doing the work once you have all the materials.  I don't like it because it takes too long.  I don't like it because it never goes exactly like I thought it would.  I don't like it because while it is being done, my surroundings are all awry.  I don't like it because it is dirty, smells and is generally a pain in my behind.

As I was thinking about that and pinning in my self pity of the situation, it struck me that the way I feel about most projects we do physically to our house, is the way I feel about  my life.  I LOVE the vision of things.  I LOVE seeing the end result.  I LOVE the before and after (and comparing the two).  But I strongly dislike the process.

Maybe this is "just the way I am."  Maybe this is one of the ways God is shaping me to be more like Jesus.  I am not sure.  But I recognize it now and I am hoping some people out there who love and enjoy (or at the very least, embrace) the process can come alongside me and help a girl out.

:)

When Jesus calls

I didn't think it would be like this.

I thought that I was ready.  I know God asked me to do this.  I know it was hard before but at least then, I had a safety net.  I thought that things would be better.  Easier even.  I was wrong.

God asked me to do something that I am sure of.  I have taken the first step.  I am walking in obedience to Him.  So, why is this hitting me so hard?  I know that it is right.  I have support from those around me.  But it sucks.  I feel horrible.  Why? 

I am crying.  I feel a death happening inside me.  And I know it is right.  I know He is here. 

So, I go where He has called me.  I turn aside my pride.  I remind myself that my identity is in Him.  I am a daughter of the Most High.  I am me.  And what He might really be asking me to "do" right now is believe that right there. 
No other label attached.
 Just me and Him.

Walking on the water

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

I know He has called me.  He has called me to come to Him.  I want it SO bad.  I need Him.  I want Him.  I know he will be waiting for me when I get there.  But in order to touch Him, I have to step out of the boat.  There is wind out there.  The waves are over my head sometimes but I can see Him beckoning me to come....

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Mind racing, heart pounding, palms sweating, and knees shaking, I convince myself the benefits outweigh the cost.  Mind made up.  Face set like stone.  I know where I am going.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Brave.  Eyes peering over the edge.....I see the depths of the unknown and instead of uncertainty, I feel brave.  One step over the edge I go!  I am walking on water

I see His face!

And then, suddenly, I remember the enormity of what He has called me to do.  Knees shaking, heart pounding, my breath gone.

Fear

Where is He- I am looking down?

Sinking.

 But not drowning.  I am reminded- all I need is Him.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Thank you Jesus

Sense of Humor

Have you ever just felt more peaceful and life has gone a little better after a long drawn-out emotion-filled time of self-discovery?  Well, I didn't this last time.  Frist of all, I stayed up WAY past what I should have since I had to be at work at 5am the next day.

So,  prayed that I would just have the strength to make it through my work day on very little rest (after all, shouldn't He grant me this one request since I was focusing on becoming more like Him and letting my flesh die a little more the night prior?). 

I threw on my work clothes, grabbed my coat, and ran out the door to get to work.  I got to the van and realized it was frosted over quite heavily.  I knew there was no time to scrape if I wanted to be on time so in I jumped and after revving the engine a couple of times to "warm it up," off I headed down the road.  I couldn't even see out the tiny little spot you get at the bottom of your windshield from the defroster, so I sped on (not stopping fully at the stop signs- hey, it was 440am!).  I decided it was best that I be able to see where I was going however and so I turned on my windshield spray to try and "melt" the ice on my windshield.  I just kept spraying the crap out of the windshield all the while, driving down the road.....I turned onto the main bypass (speed limit 55) and right about the time I could start to see out of my windshield, I also noticed two things:
I was going 70 mph and there were flashing blue lights behind me.
I pulled off, not even surprised (just thankful my windshield was now clear :)). 
The cop came up to my window and the normal "talk" ensued....do you know how fast you were going?  Why were you going that fast?  All to which I answered, I don't know.  I knew I deserved the ticket and I was just ready to accept it and move on.  Then it got worse!
He sad he had clocked me back at the exit of my subdivision and had been following me ever since!  He also said I was doing 47 in a 25!  Yikes!  (guess I shouldn't have been paying so much attention revving he engine ;)
Then, he asked where I was going and where I worked.  I told him and he said to not bother to got out my proof of insurance or registration.  He warned me to drive slower and walked away!
I was nice and let him go first ;)  then I went on to work.

My point in all that is maybe threefold:
1.  Life does not cut you any breaks and your decisions will always carry consequences.  Was God happy I had just dealt with some of my "junk"- yes.  But did that mean I got a break from the "crap"- no.
2. I fully deserved to not only get a hefty ticket for speeding, but to have my license revoked because of how fast I was going and the way I was driving, but that didn't happen- GRACE.  What a good picture of God and how he treats us!
3. You have to have a good sense of humor.  That was funny!  And it helped get my adrenaline going for work that day ;)

Irony

I thought it was highly ironic (and funny) that the other night, after talking and toiling over my struggle with fear and identity, I walked upstairs for bed to brush my teeth.  I was standing in front of the mirror while finishing, and noticed that I had a blue t-shirt on that had one word written in HUGE letters across it.  It said

IDENTITY

Ha!

Identity

I sat down for a "Bible study" this evening with a friend.

She had a hard day and I had had....well one of "those" kind of weeks.

We were scheduled to talk about the book of Revelation of Jesus Christ tonight but judging her body language along with my sense of relaxation, I took a minute to just be quite.

We exchanged pleasantries and she asked me what was going on.  I started to generalize about four major events that were happening in my life at that point.  She caught me right away (she is good at that).  She pressed on one particular- my career path.  I have been a stay at home mom for almost eleven years and in the last six months, I got a new job.  We have been talking about whether or not I was going to stay where I am at, or whether I was going to pursue other options that might fit me better.  I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and that made it hard to know what to pursue.  She kept pushing.  I told her that I needed the job to make enough money to provide for my family and she kept pushing.  I told her I liked people and she said I should be a nurse.  NO.  I told her I wanted to help people and she said I should work in the Welfare office.   I was getting angry at this point.  Why was she pushing so hard?  Why didn't I know what I wanted to do?  Why was I angry?

She kept on going though despite me telling her I wanted to punch her.  She wrote down some names of people I could contact for more info. on some things I might be interested in.  I didn't want to call them.  We went back and forth like this for some time.  I finally started to cry....

What was happening?  Where did this come from?  Why was this coming?  I told her I didn't want to call one person and she said she thought I wouldn't which just made me even angrier!  I said we needed to stop and the tears couldn't be contained at that point.  She asked what was going on and I spilled out a myriad of things (most of which dealt with all the "happenings" of the week). 

Why do I tell you all this?  Because, at the end of my "rant" about why I was so emotional with her, the answer to everything came out.  Huh.  I felt better (a little).  I was so tore up about everything because I am out of control.  (that one hurts to say still)

All these things in my life right now are just little reminders that I am not ultimately in control of my life (and I don't need to be)!  I told her that.  (shew!)  And my physical reaction to all of this was to sob like a little girl.  She held my hand.  Then, she put the paper she had been logging my answers on away. 

We talked for a little while longer and another answer came to the surface.  All of the things I have been dealing with lately also have to do with my identity.  Now, I know that in order to be a "good Christian" you have to have your identity in one place:  Christ.  And I like to think my identity is in Him.  But in Him alone?  I would love to say yes, but tonight proved otherwise. 

So, in all this be encouraged.  Christ is still the answer.  He is the one who tells me who I am.  I just need to knock my flesh out of the way sometimes and that can cause "adverse reactions."  Because there is no formula for all of this. 

Motherhood struggles part 200 ;-)

So, I posted a video on Facebook the other day of my youngest son playing in the kitchen sink while the water was running....

What I didn't post was that he had also pulled all the knives from my knife block down into the sink with him! 

Why do I say this now?

I was thinking the other day, and telling a friend "the rest of the story" because I had already gotten some flack for leaving him "alone" long enough to do what the video showed. 

I was telling people so that other moms could be free to realize they are not alone in their parenting mishaps and all the while, I was completely not telling the whole story because I suffer from feeling like that same parenting failure that I am trying to free other moms from!  Whoa!  Does that even make sense?!  I am not sure but what I am sure of it this:

As a mom, there have been many times when I have either done something (or not done something for that matter) simply because I was influenced by outside forces and not because I was just being me- the best mom I could be. 

And guess what?  Me- the best mom I could be messes up!  I am selfish, self-centered, and don't have all the answers.  But you know what else?  I am doing the best I can and in the end, I will have grown children with life experiences and love and grace will cover the rest!

So, I encourage you today, be the best mom (or person) you can be!  Be free from what you think are the demands of people; follow Him and be you!  And I will too :)

Living like He is alive

Are you relating to Jesus like he is alive or like he is an awesome character in a History book?

I'd rather stay on the surface

So, I have been confronted about blogging on the surface!  UGH! 

So here goes.....

 

I feel like I don't have anything good to say.  And by good I mean both positive and helpful.

 

I am a comparer...you know, the kind of person who secretly compares EVERY aspect of life (shoes, kids, voices, amount of take home pay, what you do to get ready in the morning, when do you shower, do you prefer Letterman or Leno, dark wood or light, and on and on).  I am not really into it to "win" but I struggle with caring about "where I stand" after I have categorized all these comparisons.

 

I want to be good at everything I do, but rarely feel like I am doing so.

 

I am high maintenance when it comes to relationships but I will fight to the end to keep one alive, even when it is unhealthy.

 

Obviously, these are but a few of my many quirks, idiosyncrasies, or whatever you want to call them.  I have recognized these things about me but what now? 

 

Well, first, I have come to grips that those things I listed are all parts of me.  I go no further than that right now.  They are just there.  And God made me.  Granted, I am also shaped by this fallen world I live in, but God knew I would be this way today and He still chose me, loves me, and wants to be with me and use me!  If I can not get pasted that one statement right there, then I need go no further.  And that statement can take my whole life to work on really believing!

 

Then, I pray and seek the Lord to see if those things are of Him or not.  And, as He reveals things that need to fall away, (or change) because they are not a part of the new me (you know, the one that Jesus made me to be now that I have surrendered to him), I ask Him to help show me how He sees me so that I can be changed by Him to be that way.   

 

For instance, I have always thought the "not having anything nice to say" quirk was a bad thing all the time.  But, when clothed in the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it can also be a discerning voice used to guide and direct me.

 

I do want to remind anyone reading this that the first step after recognition is to realize that God loves you right where you are.  And he uses you right there as well.  And the more you focus on knowing, trusting, and loving Him, the more you will be transformed into exactly who you already are ;-)

 

 

Motherhood struggles....

I briefly looked at a thing on Facebook today that talked about how when we as parents post stuff about something our kids said or did, we mock them and really tear them apart emotionally. 

I have been thinking about this all day.  I mean, do we really do that?  Since when did stating something that is truly funny become not okay?

It makes me think of something I have been talking to the kids about a lot lately: when you do something (i.e. trip and fall on your face; assuming you are okay) that people laugh at, they are laughing at the thing you did because it is funny!  They are most likely not laughing at you.  And even if they are laughing at you, you have a choice to accept the shame that wants to come in, or reject it and move on.  Let's face it, if you have ever laughed your butt off while watching America's Funniest Home Videos or laughed hysterically at a funny slapstick comedy show, then you need to explain this concept to your kids as well.  It isn't fair to say we can laugh at some things like that and then not be able to laugh at ourselves when we do something equally funny.  Even if it does just our pride a little.   :-)

Getting over my insecurities.......hopefully

I have started posting a lot of "Mom of the Year" award nominations on Facebook lately. 
These are little tidbits about my life as a mother (or moreover, my children's lives as my children) and how awesome it is to be a kid in my house (not).  If you can't tell by my tone (oh wait, this is being typed) that I am being sarcastic, then here is a spoiler alert:  I am pretty sure I won't be winning any award this year for my outstanding ability to parent children who are "little angels" by the Leave It To Beaver standards. 

Why do we do the thing we don't want to do?

Why do I not call my family when I really want to call my family?
Why don't I send the cards telling people I love them when I really do love them and think of them?
Why do I zone out to mindless things such as Facebook when I have an amazing family to spend time with?
Why don't I have the important conversations with the people who mean the most in my life so that we can have the best relationship possible?
Why don't I eat the way I know I am supposed to?
Why do I eat more than I am supposed to?
Why wouldn't I love someone the exact way I know they like to be loved?

It is because of all these questions and more that I can relate to well to Paul when he wrote Romans 7.  He even goes so far as to say he hates what he does.  I sometimes do too...

But if we keep reading on in that section, we find the answer.  Paul basically sums it up to sin being the answer as to why we are that way.  Then, he tells us there is an awesome solution to sin...Jesus!  As long as we continually seek Him, we can find rest from continually "doing the thing we do not wish to do."

Seek Him.  And you will surely find Him.  Then, you can be free to do what is good and acceptable, and pure, and lovely....

Forgiveness

Some people say that it is not Biblical to forgive yourself.  I am not here to argue that point.  What I have noticed though is that so many of us walk around still holding on to our sin.  We aren't still sinning, but we are carrying our sin as if we still need it to remind ourselves of how bad we are and use it as a reminder of the punishment we offer ourselves over it.
THAT is what is not Biblical.  Whether we look closely enough to call it forgiveness or not, we need to recognize that when we beat ourselves up over a mistake we have made (sin), and we refuse to let it go until we have been "sufficiently" punished, we are not allowing something to happen.
Grace wants to come in.  Jesus wants what he did on the cross to be enough.  And when we don't give up our mistakes, we are not letting grace and what Jesus did to be enough for us in that moment.
So, let's make a commitment today to start letting all the horrific things Jesus went through to not be gone through in vain.  Let that stripe on his back be enough for your mistake today.  Let grace wash over you and pour down your life like the blood poured down His.

Hard Work

I am beginning to wonder if I am odd....well, I know I am odd but I am wondering if this particular aspect of myself is odd.

I am noticing that to have a good relationship with someone, it takes a LOT of work!  I have always said that being a spouse is one of the hardest jobs to do well.  I have also said that being a parent takes a lot more work and communication than I thought it would before I had kids.  But now, I am noticing that to have real, genuine, lasting friendships (not the kind that are based on a mutual hobby like football but the kind that bridge age, hobbies, and time-zones), you have to work really hard and communicate a LOT!

We are a diverse people who are not easily understood by ourselves, let alone others.  That is yet another reason it is just as important to try and understand where you are coming from.  You need to know your particular "quirks" and insecurities because they will help you when you relate to people.  Let's face it, we all have certain filters we process through whether it is a past hurt, or a worldview.  And it is those filters that cause us to relate and /or react in the ways we do.

So, why do I say all this?  Because, going forward, I want to have the best relationships I can with the people who will let me.

Visionary

I am discovering I am way more of a visionary than I ever thought I was before.  Along with that, I am discovering I am way less of a "carry outer" than I ever thought I was.
Instead of beating myself up for these things, I am choosing to pray for more perseverance to carry out vision and also the "carry outers" to surround me and take my vision and run with it!