Worn

Sometimes a song just says it all.  This is what I want to say today:

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

But Jesus.....

Another Motherhood "win"

I have had two deaths in my life this year.  Death is never easy.  It brings with it sadness, loss, grief, questions, accusations, insecurity, and a lot of other sometimes unexplained emotions as well as reactions.

I have been trying to "deal" with these two deaths the best that I know how.  I have been trying to take time to figure out where I am with it.  I have been assessing my reactions to other life events in lieu of the grief I am experiencing.  I have definitely been charged to give myself a LOT more grace than I ever have before (this one is hard for me.)  You know, you need grace in your life.  Not just to give others, but to allow for yourself as well.  We don't always act like we think we should, and if you are like me, you will find yourself judging you a LOT harder than you judge anyone else.  So, when you are grieving and you don't react "normally" to a lot of normal things that happen, grace has to be there.  If the grace is not given its opportunity to come, then you will go into shutdown mode, or breakdown.
i.e. My 8 month old Great Dane took a peanut butter sandwich right out of my 2 year old's hands the other day.  Normally, I would have scolded the Great Dane, put her outside and consoled my 2 year old while telling him to eat at the table so she didn't get his sandwich.  Instead, I immediately started crying.  I chased the Dane around the kitchen island while leaving the 2 year old crying in the corner!  I then chased the Dane into her crate, kicked the side of the crate wall, yelled at the Dane, and slammed the door on her so she would not be able to be near me for a while (this might have been the best decision of that moment).  I then scolded the 2 year old for "letting" the Dane eat his sandwich and stomped over the pantry to make him another (all the while leaving him to cry and run after me). 
Now, it makes my heart ache just re-living that story with you.  I don't normally act this way.  Why did I then?  One simple answer that is filled with so many deep side trails that I can't even explain them to you- GRIEF. 
I did sit down with the 2 year old to say I was sorry for the way I acted.  I hugged his neck and sent him to play with his siblings.  I then felt condemned.  But, I know that condemnation is not from the Lord.  And I am being transformed into His likeness.  So, if I shouldn't be condemned.  And I don't normally act this way, why did it happen this time?  Well, many rabbit trails later, I realized that the whole night, in the back of my mind, I was just needing to process a memory that had surfaced and I never took the time to do it.  So, when this arose, the emotions associated with the memory dictated my reaction.  Was it right?  No.  But those emotions where true and needed to come out.  Should they have come out on my dog and 2 year old?  No.  But they should have come out.  It wasn't the dog's fault or my son's fault that I reacted that way, but I would continue to react that way every time as long as I held my grief in.
I say all this to say that you need to let yourself have the proper time it takes to work though stuff.  And when something happens and you react in a way you know is not your normal self, take the time to think it through.  And let grace in so you can deal with what is already there waiting to come out.

The Process

We are doing another project on our house.  I LOVE getting into a project!

I love to idealize what would work best with the theme of what we have to accomplish.  I LOVE to pick out the materials to do what we need to do.  I love to find the most economical way of doing the project.  And, I LOVE seeing the end result of all our hard work!

What I don't love is the process.  You know, the actual getting down to the nitty-gritty of doing the work once you have all the materials.  I don't like it because it takes too long.  I don't like it because it never goes exactly like I thought it would.  I don't like it because while it is being done, my surroundings are all awry.  I don't like it because it is dirty, smells and is generally a pain in my behind.

As I was thinking about that and pinning in my self pity of the situation, it struck me that the way I feel about most projects we do physically to our house, is the way I feel about  my life.  I LOVE the vision of things.  I LOVE seeing the end result.  I LOVE the before and after (and comparing the two).  But I strongly dislike the process.

Maybe this is "just the way I am."  Maybe this is one of the ways God is shaping me to be more like Jesus.  I am not sure.  But I recognize it now and I am hoping some people out there who love and enjoy (or at the very least, embrace) the process can come alongside me and help a girl out.

:)

When Jesus calls

I didn't think it would be like this.

I thought that I was ready.  I know God asked me to do this.  I know it was hard before but at least then, I had a safety net.  I thought that things would be better.  Easier even.  I was wrong.

God asked me to do something that I am sure of.  I have taken the first step.  I am walking in obedience to Him.  So, why is this hitting me so hard?  I know that it is right.  I have support from those around me.  But it sucks.  I feel horrible.  Why? 

I am crying.  I feel a death happening inside me.  And I know it is right.  I know He is here. 

So, I go where He has called me.  I turn aside my pride.  I remind myself that my identity is in Him.  I am a daughter of the Most High.  I am me.  And what He might really be asking me to "do" right now is believe that right there. 
No other label attached.
 Just me and Him.

Walking on the water

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

I know He has called me.  He has called me to come to Him.  I want it SO bad.  I need Him.  I want Him.  I know he will be waiting for me when I get there.  But in order to touch Him, I have to step out of the boat.  There is wind out there.  The waves are over my head sometimes but I can see Him beckoning me to come....

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Mind racing, heart pounding, palms sweating, and knees shaking, I convince myself the benefits outweigh the cost.  Mind made up.  Face set like stone.  I know where I am going.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Brave.  Eyes peering over the edge.....I see the depths of the unknown and instead of uncertainty, I feel brave.  One step over the edge I go!  I am walking on water

I see His face!

And then, suddenly, I remember the enormity of what He has called me to do.  Knees shaking, heart pounding, my breath gone.

Fear

Where is He- I am looking down?

Sinking.

 But not drowning.  I am reminded- all I need is Him.

{breathe in}

{breathe out}

Thank you Jesus

Sense of Humor

Have you ever just felt more peaceful and life has gone a little better after a long drawn-out emotion-filled time of self-discovery?  Well, I didn't this last time.  Frist of all, I stayed up WAY past what I should have since I had to be at work at 5am the next day.

So,  prayed that I would just have the strength to make it through my work day on very little rest (after all, shouldn't He grant me this one request since I was focusing on becoming more like Him and letting my flesh die a little more the night prior?). 

I threw on my work clothes, grabbed my coat, and ran out the door to get to work.  I got to the van and realized it was frosted over quite heavily.  I knew there was no time to scrape if I wanted to be on time so in I jumped and after revving the engine a couple of times to "warm it up," off I headed down the road.  I couldn't even see out the tiny little spot you get at the bottom of your windshield from the defroster, so I sped on (not stopping fully at the stop signs- hey, it was 440am!).  I decided it was best that I be able to see where I was going however and so I turned on my windshield spray to try and "melt" the ice on my windshield.  I just kept spraying the crap out of the windshield all the while, driving down the road.....I turned onto the main bypass (speed limit 55) and right about the time I could start to see out of my windshield, I also noticed two things:
I was going 70 mph and there were flashing blue lights behind me.
I pulled off, not even surprised (just thankful my windshield was now clear :)). 
The cop came up to my window and the normal "talk" ensued....do you know how fast you were going?  Why were you going that fast?  All to which I answered, I don't know.  I knew I deserved the ticket and I was just ready to accept it and move on.  Then it got worse!
He sad he had clocked me back at the exit of my subdivision and had been following me ever since!  He also said I was doing 47 in a 25!  Yikes!  (guess I shouldn't have been paying so much attention revving he engine ;)
Then, he asked where I was going and where I worked.  I told him and he said to not bother to got out my proof of insurance or registration.  He warned me to drive slower and walked away!
I was nice and let him go first ;)  then I went on to work.

My point in all that is maybe threefold:
1.  Life does not cut you any breaks and your decisions will always carry consequences.  Was God happy I had just dealt with some of my "junk"- yes.  But did that mean I got a break from the "crap"- no.
2. I fully deserved to not only get a hefty ticket for speeding, but to have my license revoked because of how fast I was going and the way I was driving, but that didn't happen- GRACE.  What a good picture of God and how he treats us!
3. You have to have a good sense of humor.  That was funny!  And it helped get my adrenaline going for work that day ;)

Irony

I thought it was highly ironic (and funny) that the other night, after talking and toiling over my struggle with fear and identity, I walked upstairs for bed to brush my teeth.  I was standing in front of the mirror while finishing, and noticed that I had a blue t-shirt on that had one word written in HUGE letters across it.  It said

IDENTITY

Ha!