I have had two deaths in my life this year. Death is never easy. It brings with it sadness, loss, grief, questions, accusations, insecurity, and a lot of other sometimes unexplained emotions as well as reactions.
I have been trying to "deal" with these two deaths the best that I know how. I have been trying to take time to figure out where I am with it. I have been assessing my reactions to other life events in lieu of the grief I am experiencing. I have definitely been charged to give myself a LOT more grace than I ever have before (this one is hard for me.) You know, you need grace in your life. Not just to give others, but to allow for yourself as well. We don't always act like we think we should, and if you are like me, you will find yourself judging you a LOT harder than you judge anyone else. So, when you are grieving and you don't react "normally" to a lot of normal things that happen, grace has to be there. If the grace is not given its opportunity to come, then you will go into shutdown mode, or breakdown.
i.e. My 8 month old Great Dane took a peanut butter sandwich right out of my 2 year old's hands the other day. Normally, I would have scolded the Great Dane, put her outside and consoled my 2 year old while telling him to eat at the table so she didn't get his sandwich. Instead, I immediately started crying. I chased the Dane around the kitchen island while leaving the 2 year old crying in the corner! I then chased the Dane into her crate, kicked the side of the crate wall, yelled at the Dane, and slammed the door on her so she would not be able to be near me for a while (this might have been the best decision of that moment). I then scolded the 2 year old for "letting" the Dane eat his sandwich and stomped over the pantry to make him another (all the while leaving him to cry and run after me).
Now, it makes my heart ache just re-living that story with you. I don't normally act this way. Why did I then? One simple answer that is filled with so many deep side trails that I can't even explain them to you- GRIEF.
I did sit down with the 2 year old to say I was sorry for the way I acted. I hugged his neck and sent him to play with his siblings. I then felt condemned. But, I know that condemnation is not from the Lord. And I am being transformed into His likeness. So, if I shouldn't be condemned. And I don't normally act this way, why did it happen this time? Well, many rabbit trails later, I realized that the whole night, in the back of my mind, I was just needing to process a memory that had surfaced and I never took the time to do it. So, when this arose, the emotions associated with the memory dictated my reaction. Was it right? No. But those emotions where true and needed to come out. Should they have come out on my dog and 2 year old? No. But they should have come out. It wasn't the dog's fault or my son's fault that I reacted that way, but I would continue to react that way every time as long as I held my grief in.
I say all this to say that you need to let yourself have the proper time it takes to work though stuff. And when something happens and you react in a way you know is not your normal self, take the time to think it through. And let grace in so you can deal with what is already there waiting to come out.
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