Identity

I sat down for a "Bible study" this evening with a friend.

She had a hard day and I had had....well one of "those" kind of weeks.

We were scheduled to talk about the book of Revelation of Jesus Christ tonight but judging her body language along with my sense of relaxation, I took a minute to just be quite.

We exchanged pleasantries and she asked me what was going on.  I started to generalize about four major events that were happening in my life at that point.  She caught me right away (she is good at that).  She pressed on one particular- my career path.  I have been a stay at home mom for almost eleven years and in the last six months, I got a new job.  We have been talking about whether or not I was going to stay where I am at, or whether I was going to pursue other options that might fit me better.  I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and that made it hard to know what to pursue.  She kept pushing.  I told her that I needed the job to make enough money to provide for my family and she kept pushing.  I told her I liked people and she said I should be a nurse.  NO.  I told her I wanted to help people and she said I should work in the Welfare office.   I was getting angry at this point.  Why was she pushing so hard?  Why didn't I know what I wanted to do?  Why was I angry?

She kept on going though despite me telling her I wanted to punch her.  She wrote down some names of people I could contact for more info. on some things I might be interested in.  I didn't want to call them.  We went back and forth like this for some time.  I finally started to cry....

What was happening?  Where did this come from?  Why was this coming?  I told her I didn't want to call one person and she said she thought I wouldn't which just made me even angrier!  I said we needed to stop and the tears couldn't be contained at that point.  She asked what was going on and I spilled out a myriad of things (most of which dealt with all the "happenings" of the week). 

Why do I tell you all this?  Because, at the end of my "rant" about why I was so emotional with her, the answer to everything came out.  Huh.  I felt better (a little).  I was so tore up about everything because I am out of control.  (that one hurts to say still)

All these things in my life right now are just little reminders that I am not ultimately in control of my life (and I don't need to be)!  I told her that.  (shew!)  And my physical reaction to all of this was to sob like a little girl.  She held my hand.  Then, she put the paper she had been logging my answers on away. 

We talked for a little while longer and another answer came to the surface.  All of the things I have been dealing with lately also have to do with my identity.  Now, I know that in order to be a "good Christian" you have to have your identity in one place:  Christ.  And I like to think my identity is in Him.  But in Him alone?  I would love to say yes, but tonight proved otherwise. 

So, in all this be encouraged.  Christ is still the answer.  He is the one who tells me who I am.  I just need to knock my flesh out of the way sometimes and that can cause "adverse reactions."  Because there is no formula for all of this.