A New Depth of Grace

I am a Christian.  I have walked this truth out for almost 20 years of my life now, and subsequently, I have gotten pretty "good" at it.  Ugh.  That even pains me to say. 

It is at the realization of saying that when I start to unfold my truth for this week.  I am the ugliest person I know.  I don't mean the kind with disfigured features or uneven skin tone either.  I mean that on the inside of myself lies a depth of filth that is greater than even I want to explore...

I get "whiffs" of it sometimes though and that is when another "ugly" comes out to play...PRIDE.  Especially as a Christian, I know that I am supposed to be continually sanctified (becoming more like Jesus) and so, when that whiff of ugly (in the form of a thought or thought combined with emotion) that is not at all like Jesus comes out, my pride kicks in and either justifies it with the best Christian-ese I can conjure, or stuffs it away as if it never even happened in the first place.  More than likely, the second...

And this is where I have been. 

There is more to this story though.  You see, Jesus never asked me to be clean.  He just asked me to come and believe that he is clean.  He never asked me to only have pure thoughts.  he just asked me to come and believe that his thoughts are pure.  he never asked me to always do the right thing.  He only asked me to come and believe that he did the right thing.  And when I try and take over those actions, I am really saying I don't need Him. 

So, I am coming today, bearing my ugly heart.  It is filled with spite, malice, jealousy, deceit, pride and intolerance.  But that is just the kind of heart He can do something with.  He says he will give me a new one anyway.  And when I awake tomorrow, filled with the dirt of the who I once was, His mercies are there just the same...

Don't try and be something for Him.  Just accept what He did for you!  And I will too~

Blogging

I have a friend who is on me to blog.  She asks all the time....but I don't have time.  She says to just write.  I say that even when I try and make time, it does not happen.  Like right now, I told my husband that I needed to just go up to the computer and get this out.  So, I went up, sat down, started typing, and low and behold, three out of my four kids are piled on top of me...GRRR.......

What am I supposed to do?  Is blogging that important?  Yes.  Why?  Because it makes me feel better.  Then why don't I do it more?  Because it is more frustrating to try and do it and be totally and completely interrupted than to just not do it....UGH!  So, why can't I just blog with three kids on top of me?  I can't even think!  One is playing with my hair, one is singing, "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" and one is throwing a ball against the wall right next to my head!  Try and concentrate and get a clear thought with that!

This is the reality of my life though.  I am not good at balancing it.  I quite frankly, suck at doing it gracefully anyway.  But two things remain in all of this. 

1. I may or may not be doing a "good" job but I am doing the best I can.

2. God's grace is bigger than my shortcomings...

And that, my friends, is all you need to know

Hearing Him

I have had this song stuck in my head for some time now.

Oceans is the name.  It plays over and over in my mind as I walk through my day.  It also seems to be coincidentally coming on the radio now every time (well, almost every time) I get in the car...

I really took the time to listen to the lyrics the other day and to my surprise, they really speak to where I am in life, with the Lord, and with myself...

So, this is just a little encouragement to you.  Take the time to pay attention to those things that you dwell on a lot.  Not the negativity that is ever present in your mind (that is another blog for another time) but the songs, verses, and things people have said to you.  It is those things that could be the very echo of the Father to you for this season.

Good Day

I had a good day today.  It was full of joy and happiness (and yes, those two things are different).  I went to work this morning, got off, went to the store with my amazing hubby, and then spent some time relaxing before he went to work.  Then, I picked my older two up from school and we changed into costumes and went trick or treating in our (still new) gorgeous downtown.  The kids had fun and so did I. 

On my way home however, I found myself actually feeling guilty.  Why?  Well, for the last weeks, I have been in a state of grieving almost over a big bomb in my life.  But today was different.  I had fun and was happy.  And that's okay.....I just need to figure out why I felt bad for doing so....

No time

No.  I don't think you understand.  Life is coming at me so fast, I don't even have time to write this blog!  I am serious!  I have been interrupted by my children seven times since I have started this ten minutes ago!!!  And now, I don't even fully remember what it was I was trying to convey! (must have been important, huh?)

I like to think I try and balance my time well (spending enough time with my kids/work/myself) but it makes it hard when all those things seem to intermix and interrupt each other.  What do you do?

Drowning or Drowning out?

You should hear the level of noise resonating in my house right now.  I was trying to tell my husband something and I just stopped because it was easier to stop and  not say anything than to try and yell over the noise that surrounded us. 

Then I realized something.....I really feel like I am drowning sometimes....I used to live a comfortable life that I could handle, but now, now I am in over my head.  There are many times when I cringe at the thought of someone watching in on my life.
That leads me to start drowning out the noise...
I start not being present for my kids and hubby first.  I escape to Facebook.  I try and do anything to not have to face the people around me.  Ugh, I hate writing this....I will even do chores around the house that I wouldnt otherwise do just so I dont have to be with those I love...ouch.
So, when I feel like I am drowning...I start to drown out.
The Lord is showing me something about that though.  People say He will never give you more than you can handle but I disagree.   I think He will always give you more than you alone can handle so that you have to rely on Him!  And then, you are faced with the choice when you are drowning....are you going to drown out by leaving mentally and emotionally, or are you going to drown in Him and let Him take care of you?

Bullying

I had a rude wake up call last night. 

I got old I was a bully.....possibly one of the worst the person had ever saw!

What?! 

Then, the person showed me a picture of someone saying this:

I never thought I was a bully.
Then I listened to the way I talk to myself and realized
 I owe myself an apology...

Ouch!

Support

Ugh....

I sometimes hate that I need people!  Isn't that horrible?! That means I am egotistical and self-centered, but that is the truth.  I am in a season of life where I am realizing and being challenged to let people around me know just how much I need them. 

P.S.  I need Jesus too ;)

More on Grace

We were given a gift of grace that was SO extreme, I am at a loss for words...

I was thinking a lot about it and realized that all I can do is accept it and then worship the Giver.  I thanked the hands that delivered it as well (manners after all) but truly realizing that if it weren't for the Giver, this gift of grace would not have come...

I was throwing around ideas as to why I am so stumped by this gift and something hit me.,,

I think that I subconsciously assume I deserve most of the graces I have been given in my life.  Almost like I am entitled to them (i.e. I deserve answered prayer because I am a Christian after all).  But I KNOW I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this one.  And yet, He gave it to me anyway.  AND, He reminded me that it is not only this gift of grace that I don't deserve......He gives them to me undeservedly and only wants (not expects) me to thank and worship the Giver!

So, I am repenting tonight for being too justified in my reception of the grace that is continually being poured out to me and I am asking that I depend on, and accept Him more fully now than ever.  :)

I thought I was sure

Have you ever been in a place where a decision about life needs to be made, a direction needs to be chosen and no option feels right?!

That is where I am right now.

It is during this time that it is really hard for me not to fall back on my fleshly reactions.