Ways to relate

I have another question I have been "chewing on" for quite some time now.  Have you ever read the book Love Languages?  I forget who wrote it and to be honest, I never finished the whole thing.  The general premise is that we all operate "feeling" love by one of five "love languages."  And you probably show love the way you want to receive it.  SO, learn to love based on what the person whom you are loving best receives love and hopefully, they will do the same for you.

I have a new book that is similar to that.  It is about how we relate to (love) God.  It basically says there are something like nine ways we each relate to, or love God. and that is a little different for everybody.  So, find out which one or two are specific to you and then do it!  I think I will like this book because I have known for a long time that I relate to others best by spending quality time with them.  I LOVE to relate by chatting it up!  So then, why do I think I would relate to God the best by doing anything other than that!  I LOVE to be in His presence!  I love to worship and my prayer life is very conversational with Him.  Is that wrong?  Hmm........how do you relate to Him?  Do you feel free to discover that or are you stuck trying to do the "right" thing?

I'll let you know how this book goes.....

Be a good receiver

I have been thinking a lot about grace lately.  You might even say I am obsessed with it.  I wonder what is really is.  Is it really as feminine as we make it sound?  Is it weak?  Am I weak if I need it?  Am I selfish to want it?  I wonder if I really have it.  Do I extend it fairly?  Is grace fair?  Do I get it?  From whom do I get it?  Can I receive it?  Or, more importantly, will I receive it?

That last question is one that I am pondering today.

I am convinced that grace is always available from the Lord.  It is, after all, by grace we have been saved.  So, we have at least received it one time in our life.  But we need it continually.  The Bible is clear on that.  So, are we continually receiving it? 

I think this society teaches us from a young age to not be a receiver.  We are taught to not "need" things such as free gifts.  An example would be last year when we handed out hot chocolate at a Christmas parade (or at least we tried).  SO many people simply would not take it at first (or at all) because they were convinced there were "strings" attached.  (Do you attach strings to the grace God wants to extend through you?  Is grace really grace when there are strings attached?)  We think we can do it ourselves... and then we wonder why we don't have the grace in our lives like so and so does....

Maybe we need to stop and learn how to be a receiver.  Maybe there isn't anything wrong with, or a lack of grace.  Maybe it is about the receiver of it.  A gift, after all is meaningless unless it can be received...

Will you receive it today?

Ideally

Shew!

I am thinking that I am done being transparent.  I had a friend ask me last night if I had stopped long enough to really process all that I have been going through....
My response?  I wish I could get away from it!  I wish I could be busy enough that it didn't impact me in this way!  I wish I could stop learning so much about myself (things that are good, things that need to change, and things that just are).  But wait...

Do I really wish all those things?  Do I really wish that I wasn't continually being sanctified by His grace?  Do I really wish that just because it is hard and painful, I didn't continually hear the voice of my Father beckoning me to receive the gift of becoming more like His Son?  Do I really think that there is anywhere in this world that I could "stay" that would erase the memory of my life and if so, would I want that?  Do I really think that I would be okay being anyone other than who I am?

No.

That is why sanctification is so important.  That is why you might have heard it said that Jesus loves you just the way you are- and that is true.  But he refuses to let you stay that way- which is true.

So, change me, Lord!  Make me into the woman I have always been but been unaware of so that I may glorify Your name!

And that is why, I am continuing to discover.  That is why sanctification is so important. 

Why? Grace?

I know you ask it as well. Why??  Why me?  Why now?  Why this?

I have asked that question lately.  I don't even think it consciously sometimes but I realize my actions and subsequent thoughts point to me wondering why...
It hit me the other day that maybe an answer to "why" is simple...
One of God's favorite things to do it extend grace...
And it is in those circumstances where we are asking the "why" that His grace can be fully extended and accepted...

Whelmed

I admit it.  I watched (and loved) the movie, Clueless in high school!  There is this part in the movie where Cher and her friend are walking to school and she says, "I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"  To which here friend replies, "I don't know, that is deep..."
Ha ha ha, right?  I thought is was funny then (and I do thinking about it now) but I found myself thinking about that last night...
I was cooking dinner by myself with four small children.  My almost two year old was closest to me, about two feet away playing in the sink (hey, that keeps him occupied longer than most anything).  I was attempting a new recipe that required a lot of patience (which I have little) and skill (which I have even less).  I was concentrating really hard.  I knew my little bit had water running, but wasn't really paying much attention...until the sound changed....but I was at an intense part in the recipe so a couple minutes went by....
Then I looked over (two feet over, mind you) to see water running out of the full sink, over the counter, down the side of the cabinet in-between the stove, and leaving a four foot diameter lake on the floor...
I yelled for someone to get a towel but because of their select hearing, no one answered...
I left my dinner, ran upstairs to get two of the biggest beach towels to sop the water up...
I came back down, saw that I had forgotten to turn the water off (so did that), cleaned up the water (which took more than the two towels), then threw my now smoking pan of dinner off the hot burner...
I noticed it was not too bad, so I put it back on and poured the chicken stock into the scalding pan= steam burn on both my hands!!!!
I then heard water again and looked over to see that my little bit had pushed a chair back to the sink and was running more (hot) water and sitting inside the sink!  I cursed to myself because of the pain of the burn and ran over to turn the water off and get little bit down.....
I was finishing the sauce for the homemade meatballs when my daughter came down and peered into the oven to ask, "mommy, are you making cookies!"...
Looked in to the oven with her to see my meatballs were now meat patty/pies!
Heard another water noise and turned around to see my little bit dumping the contents of the dogs' gallon water jug on the floor....
Finished dinner a little late (John walked in the door and only had 15 min by the time dinner was done)
And found myself thinking, "I am SO OVERWHELMEMD!!!  Can't I just be whelmed???"

So, have you felt the same way? 

My Dad

O.M.G.

I got a call from my dad the other day and it went like this:

Me: Hello?

Dad: Hi Meic

Me: Hi Dad, what are you doing?

Dad: Oh, not much, I was just sitting here thinking about you, so I waned to call and tell you that I loved you!

Me:  mouth fell to the floor and tears start flowing  Wow Dad, thanks.  I love you too. 


Never underestimate the power of telling someone you love them and are thinking about them.  You never know how much it means....

Where I am today

Here is my situation for today...

I am noticing a trend in my life.  I have many relationships.  I love them all.  I love people.  I feel like I fight for people. 

The trend I am noticing however, is that I feel like there are not many people who fight for me.  I am not saying they don't fight for me, but I feel like they don't.

So today, as I was explaining this to one of my friends, I was flooded with many thoughts as to why this is so (I am the kind of person who thinks as they talk, an extreme extrovert f you will).  I was also thinking about the fact that I have figured out that I am a fixer and when I get emotional or stressed out, that comes out quite strongly.  It is strong these days.

So, in this particular relationship, I have felt like the expectations were clearly set at the beginning (never underestimate setting and communicating about expectations in any relationship).  It started off really well.  I grew to love and be loved.  Then things started to change.  The communication started to wane.  And now, I am at the point of questioning the validity of the relationship. 

The first question I asked myself is, "Why?"  Why am I feeling this way?  Is it emotional?  Is it selfish?  Is it valid?  I figured out that indeed, at least at face value, it seems valid, a little emotional (why wouldn't it be?).   I also figured out a couple other things.  I am feeling this way because I feel like I am losing a friend.

I value relationship above most things in life.  So, to lose what I thought was a good one is very hurtful to me. 

I have also done all the "right" things to save this.  I have tried to talk it out, I have communicated my expectations to the best of my ability, and I have expressed my feelings (both hurt and gratitude) openly.

So, why is this still unsettling to me?  Then the yucky question came?  Do I fee so nasty about this because I am hurt over the possibility of losing a relationship or the fact that I feel like I can't fix it?  Do I feel out of control in it?  Is it too vulnerable right now?

I said to my friend, "I just feel like I am going to lose this person and then who would I have left?" to which she so wisely responded, "Well, you need t look at it like this.  Maybe God is weeding out of your life some people that don't need to be there so that He can put some more in."

Wow, now I am convicted that I am negative too ;-)

At My Core

I have been  on a wild ride with the Lord the last few years.  During that time, there has been one common theme through everything He is teaching me.  It is almost as if He is stripping away everything I have tried to be, everything everyone else thought I might be, everything I wanted to be.  Then, He is showing me who He created me to be.  The question that can be answered each time I have an "experience" with the Lord over the last few years is, "What/who is at my core?" 

So, I can sit here and tell you what I am beginning to discover, but my question is, what/who is at your core?  Don't even try and give me a nice Biblical answer either.  We all are different parts of one body (the Church) but we are all different.  So, what makes you tick?  What motivates you?  What hill would you die on?  What absolute truth do you know about God?  What aspect of kingdom living (or just life) permeates from your very soul for the world to see? 

Why is it so important that I know this?  Because, it is at the place of finding my core in Christ, that I am able to truly and powerfully reach the world...

Mercy

I have been stuck on two words for a while now.  I am beginning to believe these two words are at the crux of my relationship with Christ.  Unfortunately, they aren't that way for everyone but there is grace for that ;-)

One of the words is MERCY.  I was thinking the other day about the song that says
Your mercy draws me to your side.
A question for us today is:  what draws you to His side?  Is it the fact that you understand just how loving and merciful He is to you?  Or is it more like an obligation?

The best question

Just a thought while I was in the shower today.

The best question for humanity used to be "what?"
The best question for humanity now (post Jesus) is "why?"  And why is a lot harder to define and judge because it has to do with the inside places no one can see.  It also leaves ample room for grace which can be highly uncomfortable.

I am supposed to write....

So, I have had some pretty life-shaking, foundation splitting, upside-down turning events happen in the last months of my life.  At this point, I am not even sure if I am strong enough to really tell you what they are.  That's not the point of this blog anyway.

I was lamenting to a friend about them the other day however, and she said something to me that has been an echo in my life so I thought I would heed her words.  She said, "You need to write about what you are going through and feeling right now.  You need to write about it because someone out there needs to hear it and if you don't do it now, you will forget what you are feeling and not be able to help them like you need to."

Wow.  What do I have to say that is so profound that it could possibly help someone else out?   Honestly, at this point, I feel like I have nothing to give anyone anyway.  I walk around my house in the middle of the day looking around at the junk on the floor or the kids playing and think, I can't even deal with it right now.  Have you ever felt this way?  I know I am not depressed per se, I am just traumatized and needing a little time to figure things out.  I know I will be okay and I certainly know in my head all the "Christian-eese" truths to say and cling to, but that doesn't mean I am still not dealing with the emotions of all of this.  Hey, maybe this is what it means to "when you have done all else, stand" 

Yeah, stand.  I think I can to do that today. 

So, there you go.  That is how I feel today.  It is not pretty.  It might not even sound right, I don't know.  But it is real and when I am dead and gone partying with Jesus, that is a characteristic I want people to say to describe me. 

There is a song and a line in it says, "but I remember Your suffering the way that you did so I will walk through this valley if you want me to..."

Forgiveness

A few weeks ago, I was drifting in-between consciousness and sleep when I had a dream or vision, or whatever you really want to call it.  You know what I am talkin about though, right?

I was kind of conversing with myself, and/or the Lord.  I was thinking about forgiveness. That was weird because I didn't have un-forgiveness in my heart nor had I recently encountered any person or situation that would cause me to question this issue, however, that is where I was.  I was thinking about how I would answer the question, "What is forgiveness?" 

You know, I have come to realize that there are many ways we, as Christians, define big words like forgiveness based on culture or society norms and not based on the Truth.  So, I want to know how to correctly define forgiveness.  After all, I have received the greatest gift of forgiveness that one can receive, right?

So, I went on dreaming/visualizing/conversing and here is what I came up with.  It made so much sense to me and was so clear that I wanted to share.

I started with un-forgiveness.  What is it?  Why do I feel it?  Is it a feeling?

Un-forgiveness:  when I refuse to let go of a situation because I feel like I deserve or have to ability to rightly judge the situation/person for their choices and actions.

Forgiveness:  Turning a situation/person(s) over to the One who has the ability/authority/deserves to rightly judge a situation/person for their choices and actions.

Therefore, when I chose to forgive, I am choosing to acknowledge that I am
1) NOT in control of anyone
2) NOT deserving of judging
3) Trusting the Judge
4) Accepting of grace for me and others

Wow!  So, at the heart of un-forgiveness, lies a lack of trust and severe control issues......no wonder we are to forgive ;-)

And then, just like the Daddy I know, He allowed me to walk out my new found understanding!  HA!