Where I am today

Here is my situation for today...

I am noticing a trend in my life.  I have many relationships.  I love them all.  I love people.  I feel like I fight for people. 

The trend I am noticing however, is that I feel like there are not many people who fight for me.  I am not saying they don't fight for me, but I feel like they don't.

So today, as I was explaining this to one of my friends, I was flooded with many thoughts as to why this is so (I am the kind of person who thinks as they talk, an extreme extrovert f you will).  I was also thinking about the fact that I have figured out that I am a fixer and when I get emotional or stressed out, that comes out quite strongly.  It is strong these days.

So, in this particular relationship, I have felt like the expectations were clearly set at the beginning (never underestimate setting and communicating about expectations in any relationship).  It started off really well.  I grew to love and be loved.  Then things started to change.  The communication started to wane.  And now, I am at the point of questioning the validity of the relationship. 

The first question I asked myself is, "Why?"  Why am I feeling this way?  Is it emotional?  Is it selfish?  Is it valid?  I figured out that indeed, at least at face value, it seems valid, a little emotional (why wouldn't it be?).   I also figured out a couple other things.  I am feeling this way because I feel like I am losing a friend.

I value relationship above most things in life.  So, to lose what I thought was a good one is very hurtful to me. 

I have also done all the "right" things to save this.  I have tried to talk it out, I have communicated my expectations to the best of my ability, and I have expressed my feelings (both hurt and gratitude) openly.

So, why is this still unsettling to me?  Then the yucky question came?  Do I fee so nasty about this because I am hurt over the possibility of losing a relationship or the fact that I feel like I can't fix it?  Do I feel out of control in it?  Is it too vulnerable right now?

I said to my friend, "I just feel like I am going to lose this person and then who would I have left?" to which she so wisely responded, "Well, you need t look at it like this.  Maybe God is weeding out of your life some people that don't need to be there so that He can put some more in."

Wow, now I am convicted that I am negative too ;-)